Worthy of Love

Religon Is Intoxicating.

2012-02-02T09:03:00.002-06:00

I came across some scripture today that has always confused me. I love how in His own time He gives you understanding of scripture. Even many different understandings of the same scripture at different times in your life.

Today was Luke 5:33-39. Let me set the stage for you. He's having lunch with Levi, a tax collector, and all of his friends. The Pharisees are there as well asking questions again. They've already caused a stink over Jesus partying with "sinners". To which Jesus replies, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." Then they go a step further. Let me quote the scripture for you.

"They said to him, 'John's disciples often fast and pray, and so do the disciples of the Pharisees, but yours go on eating and drinking.' Jesus answered, 'Can you make the guests of the bridegroom fast while he is with them? But the time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them; in those days they will fast.'"

So we have here Jesus basically telling them. You're fasting and waiting for this "messiah". But my disciples don't fast because I am here! But there will come a day when they will. He reveals himself as the "chosen one" and explains he won't be there long. Hold on, this I think, is where it gets good. Jesus goes on to tell them a parable:

"No one tears a patch from a new garment and sews it on an old one. If he does, He will have torn the new garment, and the patch from the new will not match the old. And no one pours new wine into old wine skins. If he does, the new wine will burst the skins, the wine will run out and the wine skins will be ruined. No, new wine must be poured into new wine skins. And no one after drinking old wine wants the new, for he says, 'The old is better.'"

So the rest of the verse, here, is the part that has always confused me. You may say, "But it's so obvious!" Yeah well...I get that a lot.

Jesus has come and is instituting a "new way". This concept is foreign to everyone. They have had the law. It's all they know. But Jesus is the new garment. He doesn't fit into the old way. Their way of doing things. You don't tear a new garment to mend an old one. You just use the new one!

This is my favorite, favorite part. No one pours new wine into old wine skins... again we have old and new paralleled. He didn't come to change the Pharisees. To pour new wine into old wine skins. You must pour new wine into new wine skins. He is raising up "new" leaders. Why? Because! "No one after drinking old wine wants the new, for he says, 'The old is better.'"

I love this part. Why is it that no one after drinking old wine wants new wine? What is the difference? Old wine is better fermented...it is intoxicating. Jesus was raising up new leaders because the Pharisees and religious leaders of the day, were drunk on religion.

So this has brought me to this question: Are you drunk on religion, or are you allowing Jesus to fill you with "new wine"?

Sobering

2011-11-07T14:40:00.003-06:00

My day was pretty normal. You know the usual. Breakfast for the kids, start school, clean the house, try to slip in a bible study somewhere in there. Spend some time contemplating the latest tough decisions in our lives. Which today amounted to "what in the world are we going to put under the tree for our boys this Christmas" You know the hard stuff...

Then I read something that sets my head spinning. Seriously. The kind of spinning where you're not sure if you're sitting down. Then you realize you are, which is good, because you just might pass out. We have some friends in central Asia for a visionary trip. Mainly walking and praying, talking to people along the way. One of the guys has been keeping a blog of certain things. I like to read it to stay updated on how the trip is going and the interesting things they have encountered the past few weeks. But today's entry stopped me in my tracks. I was faced with the stark reality that my faith is weak. He spoke of a translator they have been using, and told a bit of this mans story. A believer in a Muslim country, who had several friends tortured and killed for sharing their faith. I think we hear of that so often that it has almost hardened us to the reality of it. But he shared a link, which is the report of the people killed. It's what I want to share today. I have no words beyond it. Only tears, and a refreshed understanding that there is more to our faith than what we tend to make of it sometimes. Beware, it is not for the faint of heart.

Dreams

2011-10-31T09:24:00.003-05:00

I’m walking down a dusty dirt road. Pasture land. It appears to be mid summer, because of the dry landscape. I’ve been here before. I know the way. As I come to the t in the road I know if I turn left it’s the way I want to go. So I do. Soon, I know why I know the way. I’m in the setting of a previous dream and I realize it. As I stare ahead I know that is the road which I’ve been on before and was lost. Because of this I now know the destination I’m seeking is to my right. So I find the road to the right. As I turn on this road I am still on a dirt road, but more in a neighborhood. I am unsure what house I am looking for. But I know when I see it I’ll know that’s it. Suddenly I’m very aware that I am in a dream. I notice how vibrant the colors are and I know God wants me to pay attention to every detail, because he is speaking to me.

I notice the bright blue sky and the brilliant green tree tops. There were bright red benches and stadium chairs everywhere. I saw flashes of yellow but could not put the color with an item. It's the most clear a dream has ever been for me. It feels so real. There is someone standing in front of me at a distance. I can't make out who it is but I know they are guiding me. The sun is overhead and I can feel a northern wind. It is refreshing and peaceful. I know God is in the breeze. I breath deeply. Then I am at my destination. It is a job site. The house is not finished from the outside. It is only at framing stage. I know what I’m looking for is in that house. As I walk in the house changes from new construction to an older burnt out home or dilapidated barn. There is fresh dirt where the floor should be. I can see the sun coming through the slats in the ceiling, as though it is just now dawning over the horizon. It’s dark in this building. I can see lots of flowering bulbs which are getting ready to bloom. As I step towards them excited, I notice what I was looking for. The ground has been disturbed as if something has been dug up. I consider digging anyway to see if anything is left, but I know what I was looking for has already been taken. I’m sad at first. Upset that I didn’t get there first. But then as I look at the disturbed earth I feel my care floating away. I’m more interested in the flowers yet to bloom.

I decide I can take some of them back to my home and plant them there. The earth is soft and moist and the bulbs will come up easily. But as I begin to pluck the bulbs from the earth, I can only find three. One was tall and you could tell it would replant easily. It had a full bloom ready to burst forth. Another was small and thin. It had a healthy bulb on it though, and I knew it would be iffy for this year, but if it did not bloom this year the bulb would reproduce next year with a beautiful bloom. There was a third. It’s bloom at been torn off or eaten by something. I felt the need to take it as well though. Thinking perhaps if I took good care of it, it would produce the next season. I studied the ground knowing there had been many bulbs to dig up before I had started. Now after removing those three, all I could see was grass. I was a bit disappointed, but satisfied that I gotten the three.

Are you awe-full?

2011-10-13T07:30:00.003-05:00

I think sometimes God tends to speak to us in times that we least expect it. I know we've been going through this change into a new season of our lives, and with it God has been doing some personal reorganization as well. He's slowly been showing me that I let my fears and desires get in the way of who He made, and is making me to be. I put on this facade of the quiet, wise, encouraging, person. Which through the years is who I've seen people enjoy more. Which I absolutely can be that person, sometimes. But in that, I've suppressed the the person that laughs at inappropriate times, the girl who would break out in dance when no one else is even thinking about it, and the person who would yell at a concert to God, because it's not a "mature" thing to do. I don't know when my desire to be a "mature" person over took my "awe".

Let me explain. Last night, there was a push for the students to be in awe of God. That at some point we become to cool to express joy or awe for anything. I've always heard this and even taught this, but never realized how much it describes me! It just fit into this idea that God's been teaching me. So after youth, I was sitting with a friend discussing this whole life change that God has presented me with. So she says, " I know exactly what you're going through, God has been teaching me the same thing over the past year. Something I've learned is that God delights in my childishness, it's who he created ME to be." I had to let that sink in. So as I've been processing, I've been analysing all the things I don't want others to see in me.

I often laugh or smile at inappropriate times. I have always hated this! As I was thinking through it, I came to a new understanding. I smile or laugh when people are hurt emotionally, or struggling through something difficult, but not when hearing about it from others. Only when hearing it or seeing it first hand from the person themselves. I know, it sounds bad, right? But as I think about it. The reason I catch myself smiling or laughing isn't out of amusement. It's because I'm so excited I can see God working in their lives. I can see the opportunity for growth and I can't contain it! I am truly in awe of God sometimes.

I often contain the urge to randomly dance. It's just not mature... I guess I've always thought of people who do this as seeking attention. I guess God is working two things out in me through this one. One, Do not judge! And two, if I have this fear of not wanting people to think I'm seeking attention, then I'm obviously not seeking attention. So why would I not want to express my worship to God when He puts a song in my head, and a desire in my heart? The trees don't decide whether they are going to bend to the wind or not when people are watching. Why should I care?

I tend to maintain this whole mature, wise, encouraging front. Partly because it's who I want to be, and partly because I think it's what others think I am. Don't get me wrong. I have my moments. But it's just not who I am all the time. I'm childish, needy, afraid, and judgmental at times. This, is who I am most of the time. The other more admirable traits are only slight glimpses here and there. Yet I try to hold up this front, and make it the other way around, because I don't want to disappoint anyone who hasn't seen that yet.

I wish I could say, now that I realize these things, I'm going to be a different person. But, I feel this is going to be a slow process of transition. From the person I've made myself to be, back to the person God has created. It's going to be a difficult road of shedding layers I've put on myself. Am I confident I can do it? No. But I believe this is God working in me, and He can accomplish anything.

Are you busy?

2011-10-11T07:47:00.004-05:00

As I was sitting having my coffee, and doing my study, I had a sense of relief that I had no where to be today. I began to think, I'm not sure why though because I really haven't been doing anything. But as I recapped the last week, I have had somewhere to be for the past five days. No wonder I felt that sense of relief over coffee this morning!

Then the memories started flooding back. A certain barbecue at our first church that felt like home. A group of women standing around in a circle discussing how busy their lives were. This is the first time I had ever met these women. Of course, I was quiet. Just listening to their lives, thinking, I wish I was busy with something. Then the question was asked. So Amanda what keeps you busy....? Uh...Nothing. I told them I really had nothing to keep me busy, outside of the house and my two year old. Then one woman who would become my dear friend Stephanie, said, "well we will need to change that for you!" They then proceeded to jokingly fill my schedule with bible studies, mothers day out, and coffee dates.

Though that day they were joking, God began working through those women. Over the next year God began to mould my heart to do His work. They did indeed fill my week with bible studies and coffee dates; and with an understanding that my faith was not just something that I had, but something that should be lived. Since that day God has faithfully put people in my life that have modeled this truth. Though I am definitely still learning and growing in this aspect of my life, I pray that God would use me as he used those women so many years ago. Busyness is good, when it's God busyness. When it's God busyness you only realize it's busy when you receive a day of quiet.

Grieving

2011-09-25T14:41:00.003-05:00

Though I truly believe that the closing of the Rogers campus was God ordained, I still mourn. I miss my family there. I miss our simple ways. I miss our closeness. I find myself feeling as though I need a hug but I can't seem to find fulfillment for that anywhere. I really have no problem with joining back in at Bentonville. But I feel like an outsider there now. To say that I am having culture shock is an understatement. I don't enjoy being treated like a visitor in worship, or being unknown when I go to pick up my children. Have we been gone that long? I realize this is all normal and should be expected, but it's still like a dagger in my heart.

I feel as though I should be able to fit in there easily. It's where I came from. But no matter how much I try it feels as though I'm faking my way through. I have changed as much as they, while we've been gone. How do I take the things I've learned back with me? How do I just join back in? I feel as though God has grown me and shaved the edges off of me this past year. I am now a round peg trying to fit in a square hole. It feels as though something is missing. I feel lost in the crowd. I feel truly unneeded there. I know when we all left, we left a void. That void has now filled in and for us to be back it feels as though there is no room for us. I know this is not the truth, but it is how it feels.

It is a difficult time of relearning. Like merging two families. We are no longer the same. How do we fit together? It is a wonderful thing to join two families. There is much joy in being back as well. But a mid the smiles there is still heart ache, and this fluctuation of my heart is wearing me out.

Refreshing

2011-06-09T10:43:00.002-05:00

Over the past few months I've felt extremely drained as far as ministry goes. To the point of even considering stepping down as a leader in the youth. However, last night was very refreshing.

We've been dividing up the Jr high from the Sr high, and the past few weeks we've even divided up the boys from the girls in each. Now for those of you who know how small our youth group is, this makes for cozy little sessions! Last night's Sr high girls had a whopping four girls in it, with two leaders. But! discussion is getting better. Girls are starting to open up more. Not only are they discussing the questions we pose but they are also asking questions about things that stir their interest in the lessons.

Our Sr high is completely unorganized. But it's really nice to be super crazy and unpredictable. We can get serious, then laughter breaks out for some reason or the other and somehow we can bring it all back in to focus again. Now that Summer is here it makes it a little more crazy, just with people feeling excited and everything. But it's great. It's almost as if all pretenses fall off and we are truly just living in together and walking through life. We don't have this serious, deep, no laughter allowed type of meeting. I mean, yes, sometimes there are tears and seriousness, but that happens in life as well.

I feel like the girls are all bonding together as well as with us leaders. I know over the past 9 months that Anna, the other leader, and I have grown much closer. It's refreshing as well to be able to sit and talk for an hour, just about God and our relationship with Him. Where He's leading us and how He's shaping us. I love hearing about how God has taken people from this place that forms from outside influence, be it parents or society in general, to a place that rests in His truth. Stories of, "this was me and I knew I was right and I stood firm in what I believed, then God did a number on me and I now understand this to be truth." As much as it aggravates me to hear our students living in this place of outside influence, I love it. Without being there it's hard to fully understand this place of truth that God takes you to.

Anyway, last night after youth and just having this amazing time of refreshing in our study time, since it's Summer now, we all went out to Bruams to hang out and eat something. We met up with some students from the Bentonville campus and just had a really great time playing stupid mind games and having lots of laughs.

It was just a great reminder for me of why I was even drawn to student ministry to begin with. Students are so much fun and they are these empty vessels who believe themselves to be full. And God has given me the privilege of helping Him bring them to this understanding. To help them see that they have so much to learn still, and help them to develop a hunger to do so. I was reminded that it's not a chore I've signed up for, but that it's a blessing that God has put in my life to be a part of.

Devistation

2011-05-30T17:14:00.002-05:00

I'm struggling... My thoughts are spinning so fast I don't know where to start or what exactly to say. Devastation. Pain. Horror. Shell shock. Home. Hunger. Hope. Fear. Reality. How?

After spending only two days in Joplin, I'm a complete mess. I look around at the destruction, which pictures do not do justice, and I am speechless. But then deeper yet, I hear stories, first hand from survivors, and I don't understand how they are even able to talk about it. The sights, the sounds, of those first moments when they emerged from the ruins of their homes. Absolute devastation and chaos. How they can talk about the death they discovered right outside their homes, to a complete stranger, is something I do not understand. How they can face the reality of it every day is unfathomable for me. I am struggling with the visions their stories have given me, even though I can retreat to my home far away and be removed from the situation. To have lived the things they have lived, yet still be faced with it as a reminder...

I heard a conversation yesterday, which I am still processing. The question was asked, "Should we pity them or would we be more right to envy them?" This was asked in terms of having everything striped from you, with nothing between you and God. These people have nothing left, but the realization that they have no where to turn except to God. I have mixed emotions about this. I understand the view point here, but what about the people who refuse to even turn to God? How bleak their lives must be. I can not imagine the darkness that must be enveloping them at this moment.

Something else I am struggling with is this strange feeling of "home". Yesterday, as we were driving around passing out food, we drove to an area of complete destruction. In that moment, as I looked around, I felt peace. This strange feeling of being home. Being where I was meant to be. I know I have said it before that, seeing military vehicles and soldiers feels like home for some reason. I don't understand this at all. I have ideas for sure, but saying that any of them are more than grasping at straws is an understatement. I have this same feeling when we are driving through Mali...

In the past week, Caleb has made a friend on the edge of the tornado's path. I finally got to meet him after hearing for three days about this man and his family. Honestly, I don't think I have ever felt so connected to anyone so fast before in my life. Just looking into his eyes there are so many things that they say. I met him for the first time on Sunday morning. By Sunday evening Caleb and I were discussing the possibility of inviting them to live with us until they can figure things out. I don't believe this is a viable option for them. But my heart is more than willing in such a short time. I am truly confused.

I wonder also what this man was like before it all happened? Is he different now or has his heart always been this soft? Did he cry out to God before as he does now? Does he even yet understand why he feels the need to cry out to God? I can't even think about leaving them. I'm completely torn up inside thinking of letting them continue on by themselves. I'm struggling with the idea that this was a week of our lives and now it all goes back to normal, when these people will never have "normal" again. How can we say we're finished up there? Everything in me says we're not done. But how is that going to work? If they can never have "normal" again, what does our new "normal" look like?

So many things that are spinning in my head. I've only touched on a few of them.

Life goes on

2011-05-27T11:03:00.002-05:00

I have to admit, I have been completely humbled this week, and more than a little convicted. How many years have I witnessed disasters on the news and told stories about the destruction like it was some kind of cool movie? How many times have I watched all the news footage of a disaster and then shut the tv off and gone on with my life? As I search through facebook and see the every day comments and everyday life going on around me in an area so close to the destruction in Joplin, I am sickened. But, what position am I in to judge at this point? So many times that has been me. Saying, "Oh have you watched that video? It's so sad, I've been praying for them. So, where do you want to go eat tonight?"

I know it doesn't help that this happened so close to Memorial weekend. But I almost slapped someone who said right in front of me, "This is all so hard...I really wanted to go camping this weekend..." ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? People have lost everything they have, friends, family members, homes, history, and all you can think about is that this throws a kink in your Memorial day plans?!?!?! And again, this too has been me.

I have had a sever lack of patience with my children this week. For them this destruction is only a tv show. Nothing life changing. Even though we continually remind them, people have lost their lives and their homes, they still just don't get it. I understand that to an extent, coming from children. This concept is difficult to understand. Obviously, as many adults still don't get it either. It seems though that God has used this as an eye opening experience for me as well as for Caleb. How quickly our hearts can become cold and how fast our awe of God dissipates.

As life goes on for many around this area. Time has stood still for me. I feel stuck in this horror of devastation. Wracking my brain to be as helpful as possible while I feel stuck at home an hour away. When Caleb comes home in the evenings, we put the kids in bed and sit down for story time. He fills me in on the stories he's heard and the inclinations towards God he has witnessed. I desire more than anything at this point to be there, to love on the people of Joplin. I feel overwhelmed with compassion for these people.

I know a large part of the connection Caleb and I have with this area is the history we have in Joplin. It's one thing to see destruction on the news of an area you've never been to. It's another to know the areas landmarks well, and have memories of places that no longer exist. How many times did I visit the Wal-mart that was destroyed? How often did we eat at all the restaurants that are now piles of brick and metal? How may times did I drive by St. Johns or visit the bowling alley? These precious memories bring pain when I look at these buildings. For so many people, what were my memories, were their everyday reality. I can only imagine the pain and confusion of life for them. One of my friends made the comment that it all feels surreal. To have lived through something that has had this much media coverage is for her "completely surreal". It's always something you see on tv, not something you know of first hand.

Thankfully, I feel released to join in the relief efforts this weekend. I have felt for this past week, like the hand of God was on me telling me to stay where I am. I don't understand it, I'm not sure if I ever will. However, I have to trust what God is telling me. Even though it has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, I have waited, hopeful that with this timing God has a plan for my use.

Joplin Stories

2011-05-26T09:30:00.003-05:00

I've tried to write about this for several days and I have such a jumble of thoughts in my head I'm finding it hard to string them out into coherent sentences. Joplin is dear to my heart for reasons I can't understand. This tornado has taken a piece of me with it. I'm struggling because I want to be there, working, helping, loving on the people there. I don't know when I will get to go though. When it first happened, I felt strongly that Caleb should go without me. He has come back broken for the people there. It is hard for me to watch him this way, but I feel it is good for him. God is showing him things, and expanding his mind and his heart. I have been at home and am in every way broken because of the destruction there.

I struggle with understanding how an act like this can happen and people can still refuse to see God in it. If they see him at all they want to blame him for it. After discussion last night with the youth I feel I have a new understanding. I like to think in quotes often and what would make a good status update...I know it's cheesy but it's the truth. After our discussion last night I feel like I understand a new truth about faith. I have not worked up the courage to put it on as my status as of yet for fear of what some may say. But, "Times like these do not damage your faith, they reveal it." The questions last night that were asked were," Has this event changed how you view God. Does it make you question His love? Are you prepared to answer the question 'If your God is so loving, why did he allow this to happen?'" The discussion led to how those effected by the tornado are coping and how their mindsets are all different. Some want nothing to do with God, they blame Him for what happened, others attribute their safety to Him. Where is your faith? If you were in their position, would you blame God? Or would you praise Him for your safety no matter the material or personal cost you have incurred.

Now let me be perfectly clear before you make your statement. Caleb came back yesterday with stories that are unfathomable. One man he talked to, blamed God. His best friend is "dead" he says. In truth, his friend cannot be found. He is presumed dead. Him and his wife were together in their house when the tornado struck. His wife survived and the husband is still missing. They are saying that this tornado has taken things up to the stratosphere and is holding them in a pocket at around 20,000 feet. It is unknown when or where it will release them or even IF it will release them. People are presumed to be in this pocket as well. People whom it was confirmed were in the effected area, but their bodies have yet to be found.

Now hearing this, if this were your story? If you were the wife? What would you say to the above question? It's not times like these that destroy our faith, it's times like these that reveal our faith. Others, that Caleb talked to were praising God for their life. Every thing they had was gone. Friends, neighbors, either dead or missing. Praising a God that would see that they were kept safe when, as you look around, it seems impossible that they should have lived through the destruction.

With a choice to get in the bathtub or drive to a friends, one woman decided on the drive... She didn't make it to the friends house. They took shelter under an Arvest drive thru. She told her children to buckle up and hold on. There is nothing left of the Arvest. Even worse is her home. The only item left in her house was the bathtub they had considered taking refuge in. It now has a 2x4 through the tub. She said, "Me and three kids in that tub? We wouldn't be alive if we had stayed. It was the by the grace of God we decided to drive. "

So...

How is your faith?

Hospitality

2011-04-12T08:02:00.002-05:00

Caleb and I are going through 1 Samuel for our morning study together right now and this morning he made a comment. He commented on how interesting it was that when Saul called David from his home to come live in the palace and play the harp for him, David's father sent him with gifts. Bread, wine, a goat. You know, the usual gifts you would send your kid with. Then Caleb related that to our village in Africa. You don't show up there without a gift for your host. It is completely unacceptable to do so. So when we go, we always stop and pick up Cola nuts to take to the chiefs of all the villages we will be visiting. Caleb made the comment on how hospitable it was of David's father. So I pondered this for a few moments...

I recently had a friend tell me, "The bible says to practice hospitality, we don't have people over very much, and I was convicted by that. So we are practicing by having you over." Now, I thought nothing strange about this comment at the time, but now it intrigues me. Have we in this American culture brought hospitality to a point where it is only when someone joins us? When people host gatherings, we say they have the gift of hospitality. We have a hospitality center at our church for those who visit.

I remember a few years ago having a couple up for dinner that we did not know very well. We honestly didn't know them at all, other than by name. When they showed up however, they showed up with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I'm not talking the cheap ones either, they were the nice ones with the vase and everything. See, I'm not normally one for flowers. As a matter of fact if Caleb comes home with flowers I'm usually more upset that he spent money on them than I am flattered he brought them to me. But on this occasion it seemed fitting and delightful. We had a wonderful time with this couple. One of the best first dinners we've ever had with soon to be friends. I really feel like the flowers set the mood for the evening.

In biblical times, or even when you leave this country, you not only take your hosts a gift but you take them a choice gift. David's father sent him with a goat! Now for those of you who don't understand this, in other cultures a goat is a really, really nice gift. Now, did he take this gift because Saul was poorly and in need of the food? No, Saul was a king! It was a sign of hospitality and respect. Our guests were practicing hospitality the way they did in the bible. I know this use to be the norm for our culture as well. As the years pass by however we seem to manipulate customs to be more convenient for our generation. More self-focused. I mean, why take your hosts a gift when you could save your gift and use it yourself. Much more convenient don't you think?

So in summary. Yes, hospitality is inviting someone into your home; but also it is setting people at ease no matter where you are. Hospitality is simply making people feel wanted and welcome. So go, practice your hospitality.

Home alone...

2010-11-13T09:52:00.002-06:00

So having some time home alone with no distractions yesterday gave me time to reflect. No time that I had to have dinner ready by or a time to have the house cleaned by, and no kids that I had to get schooling done for. Just some time to sit and think and read, gave me a great time with God. Just looking back at what he's been showing me over the past few weeks, when I've been so busy I haven't really had time to reflect. I've read and journaled, but to actually have time and quiet to think about what I've been reading and journaling about was priceless. Just some notes on my studies. Zechariah 3:1-4. Read it yourself! But it's reminded me that I stand condemned no matter what I do but that I have someone to vouch for me. Then on to Zechariah 7:5-6 & 9-10. Have my motives been pure? Have I been following His commands? And then even today...Zechariah 13:9.I am being refined...I need yesterday and today to piece it all together though. For what God was showing me, I read it all backwards. I needed to have it pointed out to me in chapter 7, then after that I needed the comfort of chapter 3. But today's chapter 13 reminds me that I'm still working. It's still going to be hard. I'm in a fire. And the thing I love the most about how God speaks through scripture! There may be no one else on the face of this earth that will read these scriptures and get what I have just gotten out of them. Because God is personal and loving, and knows my downfalls and my insecurities and points out the scripture and puts meaning behind it for me specifically. He knows where I need comfort and where I need encouragement. He knows me in and out. So my time with Him is designed to refine me, the way that best fits me, SO THAT through my life it may bring glory to Him. And just another random thought to throw into this. I had a great friend once point out that "so that" are possibly some of the most powerful words in the bible. If we recognize them as such we catch the full meaning of scripture and do not stop prematurely, self-centering the scripture. When I read now "so that" stands out vibrantly, and I reread the verse to understand it better...

http://niv.scripturetext.com/zechariah/3.htm
http://niv.scripturetext.com/zechariah/7.htm
http://niv.scripturetext.com/zechariah/13.htm

Hosea

2010-09-23T08:32:00.002-05:00

In Hosea, God is speaking of his disgust for Israel and their actions. In Chapter 4:13 He says something that strikes a cord in me. While doing this Radical study, this verse speaks to me in a way very different than it seems others. " They sacrifice on the mountaintops, and burn offerings on the hills, under the oak, poplar and terebinth, where the shade is pleasant." The phrase "where the shade is pleasant" is hitting hard. I've read many others thoughts on this verse and it's specific meaning, but God has impressed on me a different thought today. They make their sacrifices, made to other gods with the grandiose of the peoples own design, all while they are in comfort. I am reminded of our American churches in our beautiful buildings. With services of our own design to fulfill our own ideas of what following Christ should look like.One that is wrapped around our own modern day idols. All while in the comfort of our padded seats and air conditioning. And while this thought is on my mind, I read the rest of the verse..."Therefore your daughters turn to prostitution and your daughters-in-law to adultery." Wow...Therefore they turn...What kind of effect is our American idolatry having on our children and others who we influence? Not only are they following along in our idolatry but it seems to provoke an evil inside them to grow all the more.

just a thought

2010-09-21T10:11:00.002-05:00

I've been studying Daniel this week, and I've just been studying his last vision today. I'm intrigued by his description of the man. Apparently an Angel of slightly lower rank than that of Michael. But he describes him by his clothing. "A man dressed in Linen, with a belt of finest gold around his waist" And while cross referencing that. I notice that many of the descriptions of angels are this way. Now the thought I have in my random mind is...are they dressed this way because of the time period or is this the dress code of the heavenly's? So...if one were to have a vision/visitation with an angel today, would they be dressed in Linen or Armani?

School

2010-08-21T17:17:00.003-05:00

oh school how I miss you! I found an old binder from college a few minutes ago and just flipping through that huge thing made me miss school. Why on earth a 3inch binder of one class's notes would give me the itch to go back is beyond me! However I do wish I had time to go to school again. I'd take online classes but I think what I really miss is the lectures. I like the classroom setting. I don't know if it would be the same though not having dorm room study groups at night. I love learning though, and miss it like crazy. I love deciding if I agree with what I heard or not. Then defending my decision. I love being challenged to research and try to put it all together on paper for an essay. However all I have ever known of school is without children around. Would I consider all those challenges and lectures as much fun while I'm trying to decide what to feed the kids for dinner or remember if they've brushed their teeth yet today? I don't know. I seriously doubt it though. But, I'll probably be that old person who goes back to school after their kids are out of the house

2010-08-20T10:27:00.002-05:00

wow I can't believe I completely missed posting for June and July! Now it's mid August! Sorry Michael! Things have been just a bit crazy around here. We are trying to get ready for our next Mali trip, the boys(yes, both boys) have started school, I took on a temporary part-time job. We are studying , dreaming, planning, for this new church multi-site. I've barely had time to eat!

I am sad though, with all of this fun planning I haven't really had time to spend thinking about how I will be leaving everyone I love at GPC Bentonville. We leave in 4 weeks! I can't believe it's so close! I know that we're not moving or anything like that, but there will be several people that I will dearly miss receiving my weekly hugs from. No matter how much you want, when you don't see people every week, you grow apart. I literally hurt with the thought of losing some of these people as my dear friends. Some on Sundays others on Wednesdays. And like I've said I've been so busy with the fun planning for it that it must seem to them like I don't even care that I'm leaving. I think it's really starting to set in now. I'm moving away from my family! Granted some very great people are moving with me, but none yet are the ones I want to throw up about...(some of you will understand this statement, others will need to overlook it) hopefully some day they will be. I guess God is opening up our lives for growth. In every sense of the word. Those of you who know me though know how much I love change! For those of you who don't know me that well, that was a very sarcastic comment. I live in the memories of the good times, so much sometimes, that I forget how to live in the present. So this is going to be good for me, but not something that I would normally willingly do. I'm more than a little nervous about it, and heart broken.
On the plus side though, God is moving us forward into ministry. We're learning a lot and have been brainstorming all sorts of ideas for the future. We're very excited about it. I can also feel some sort of team coming together as well. It's all very vague right now but God's working, I can feel it!

ba bum ba bum bum.

2010-05-28T16:34:00.002-05:00

I have no idea why this post is titled that way... I want to talk about the beginning of summer! The pool is up, the grass is growing, the garden is beautifully full of growing yummies and we are cooking out with friends. Love summer time! Love friends! Love food! I love the heat! When I was younger I hated the heat. Now that I have a bit of Africa in my blood I can't seem to get warm enough! We're running the air conditioning but I'm freezing! I can't wait to get it shut off tonight. I like the sweat and the smell of the summer breeze through the windows. I am very much enjoying spending time with new friends. I think that is something that I have come to realize over the past year. I just really enjoy, being. That is something that Caleb's grandma had told me about years ago. Something that I never really understood. She said that she had recently heard from God that she need to just "be". She was constantly going and doing and God had impressed on her that she needed to "just be" for a while. I fully understand that now. Everyone has schedules and time frames for every encounter. That is just not me. I feel like God has impressed on me lately that I need to just be, and He has given me peace about it. I have no schedules to keep. I never want to have to leave a gathering because I have other things I need to do. I want to allow time for God to accomplish all he intends in any situation. I enjoy hanging out with people with no agenda in mind. I'm not there to accomplish anything but just to "be" and let God have his time to accomplish whatever it is He has in mind. Stay in tune with God and learn to enjoy where He has put you. One of my strongest prayers is that God will place me where He wants me, and that I will be content with where ever and what ever I am. Instead of trying to figure out how I can do what I think I need to do. I pray fervently that God will place me where I need to be so I can eliminate that portion of worry. I can focus on where I am and how he's using me. Live day to day. What can I do where I am, and how can I live for God in the place He has put me today. So today I have mentored my children, cleaned the house for my husband, prayed for those whom God has laid on my heart, and will enjoy and encourage some dear friends this evening. I am also every excited about what tomorrow has in store, as well as every day of the rest of my life.

Oh the memories

2010-05-10T18:05:00.002-05:00

So I'm a very sentimental person. I love photos soooo much because they remind me of times past. The past few days I have been looking at old pictures as well as new pictures of old friends. I want so badly to call them up and get together, but then I remember, we aren't 16 anymore. Times have changed, we have changed. I think I would be disappointed to get together with many of my old friends. If my mindset were for it to be like old times I think I would be sorely disappointed. I kick myself all the time that I've lost track of people over the years. Some of my favorite people I only know what I see on facebook. That's terrible! I wish I were still close to many of them so we could continue to make memories. Sadly it just seems awkward now.

My new phrase

2010-05-01T12:18:00.003-05:00

So... I meant to introduce this phrase into my vocabulary about a month ago. However, it seems, that intention was not the best. So now I am introducing my new phrase, and I ask all of those three people who read my blog to hold me accountable. To avoid any further misunderstandings I will begin to use "What do you mean by that?" or any such variation there of, in conversations. Good day.

Frustrated

2010-04-30T15:20:00.003-05:00

Frustrated...I use to be a woman of many words. My vocabulary was amazing! Seriously! Now I seem to fall back on the same word when I can't figure out what to say. If I don't understand a feeling then I'm frustrated. If I can't seem to get myself to act the way I know I should, I'm frustrated. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer then I'm frustrated! Why can't I express myself in a way that others have any idea what I'm talking about?! Probably because I don't understand myself right now. I just love it(note:there is heavy sarcasm on the word love.) when God rips you open so you can examine yourself. He has me all flayed out right now showing me pieces of myself that I didn't want to see. Pieces that I thought I had gotten rid of. If you ask me what those are, I assure you, I will pretend I did not hear the question. So far I'm under the impression that issues never really leave you. They just manifest themselves in different ways as you age and change. So if you wanted to know, or I guess even if you didn't. I'm pretty freaking frustrated right now! But amazingly I'm in a good mood. I'm finding everything funny to a certain extent. Which seems very not right to me...like my good use of vocabulary there? AND I seem more than the usual obnoxious as well. So...If you ask me how I am, I don't know! I'm frustrated!

A new season

2010-04-27T09:11:00.003-05:00

This is for you Michael! I will try to post more often!

I am amazed by what God is doing. And I'm so excited and amazed that God would choose me to even be a small part of His larger than I understand plan. You may be asking "what is he doing?" I have no idea!! I have come to understand that God will reveal his plan a lot of times only after it has come to fruition. To look back on it and say, "WOW! and here we only thought..." I can feel him stirring in me though. I feel a fear, but also an excitement! Fear for what I may have to give up or learn to overcome, but excitement because of why I will have to do it! God pushes us so we grow. I feel I have a whole new season of growing that is going to begin soon. OR may have already.

People

2010-04-22T13:11:00.002-05:00

Recently I have acquired an intrigue with people. I am often drawn to certain people with no explanation of the reason. Some are open, and I can see to the depths of them fairly easy. They may not be what is expected of them from first impressions, but their personalities are typical. They have certain character traits which are common among others.They are for the most part predictable. Then there are others who seem a bottomless pool of intrigue. The likes of which are nothing of what first impressions seem. Every moment with them either leaves you guessing or surprises you.One is not better than the other. They both have their pleasantries. Sometimes predictable is comforting and peaceful. At other times mystery is in order! However, to mix the timings of conversations can be disastrous! If I'm feeling the need for some predictability, and I am caught in a conversation with someone who deserves some deep concentration, my conversational skills seem to disappear. Likewise, if I am in the mood for some deep thought, and find myself in conversation with predictability, I am bored. Often when this happens I seem distant and uncaring. Which is not the case. It is a constant battle to keep my attention in such cases, but it has no baring on my desire to know what the other has to say. Only to say that when my mind is in the mood for deep thought, it tends to go there. Despite my best efforts to keep it connected to current conversations. I find myself lost in analysis when another question is presented. One that I cannot answer, because my mind is back, still mauling over a topic that has changed three times since. However, conversing with people that surprise me or cause me to think can be exhausting when I am in need of predictable conversation. I am learning a great deal from people. They are stretching me beyond my typical comfort zone. I find myself in the wrong mixture of conversation often these days. Forcing me to be quick on the draw to change the activity level of my mind. However, I may be becoming a better conversationalist, but it is proving to have an adverse reaction on my emotional stability. When I am pushed beyond my limits in conversations I find myself either withdrawn afterward, or overly obnoxious...

Home again

2010-03-29T16:35:00.002-05:00

So I'm home again from another Mali trip. I have so much to say about this one, but it seems hard to get it all out in a way that makes sense. I learned a lot about God on this trip and even more so I think about myself. God had some teaching to do on this trip. I saw God do amazing things the past two weeks, and realized how large His plans can be. And how small we often expect them to be. We see the here and now and when we truly look to God and ask to see things from his point of view he shows us how small our view point is. I feel like I have grown so much on this trip. The past two weeks I had to leave everything that defined me, or so it seemed. On this trip I was not a mother, a wife, a daughter, teacher, small group leader or park buddy. It was a time of finding out who I was without the things around me that I relied on to tell me who I was. I leaned on God and let him show me who I was and who he wanted me to be. I loved this trip. Everything about it. I'm not saying it was all great and fun but it was an important milestone in my life, and my relationship with God. He showed me that I didn't need to be merely a helper but that I had a special value of my own accord. I never would have thought that I could survive two weeks without the people I hold dear in my life, that in all honesty, I have hidden behind as long as I can remember. I still walk away from this trip in utter confusion about life. But I feel a new dynamic has been added to the confusion. A question or questions that I had never thought to ask before. How does it all fit together? I don't know yet. I'm still trying to make sense of everything and process through conversations and emotions and whispers from God.

Miss Mary

2010-01-22T13:02:00.004-06:00

I had the extreme pleasure of sharing a coffee/hot chocolate, with a wonderful lady today at lunch. Mary was soft spoken and a bit shy until she warmed up. Her story I'm sure like so many others is just waiting to be told. An elderly widow of sixteen years, who pulls very little social security, and adopts any lonely animal she comes across. Her social security is not enough to cover the little extras that pop up in life.Things like a new engine for your truck, or food for that starving puppy the neighbors left behind when they moved. Hardly able to walk, this lovely woman makes the money to cover the extras in life, in her chair at the corner of McDonald's and Wal-mart.
Mary was kind enough to join me today for a hot cup of drink, large fries, and friendly conversation. She lives all alone in Anderson, unless that is, you count her ten adopted dogs and her four cats. She has sworn off giving people a place to stay, since her last charity refused to leave. We never established how she removed him from her home, but she did mention that the police were of no help in the situation. She has decided that "animals are much easier on an old woman's nerves." When I asked her to tell me her story, she seemed a little embarrassed. She noted that she didn't know what else to do, but that people in general had been very kind to her. She explained that some people like to yell rude things at her as they drive by, and you could see the hurt in her eyes as she stated "but I just try to ignore them". She explained, like so many others, how the holiday season is especially hard on her. Her beloved husband passed away sixteen years ago in a tragic car accident on Christmas eve. She said, from thanksgiving(his birthday) through January 31(their anniversary) were the hardest months of the year for her. Even after sixteen years, the discussion of her late husband brought tears to her eyes. She has one son living in Kansas, who does not keep in touch. He has never had any children of his own, so her only grandchildren are step-children. Because of this she is not even sure how many she has.
After a slow start to the conversation, she warmed up a bit, and took off with it. She told of how one of her favorite things about "flying signs", as she calls it, is when people stop to pray for her. She says, "Some have powerful prayers, and you can tell they pray in the power of God. Others, not so much, but I figure at least their trying." She told me of how she use to work at a laundry shop, and the greatest thing about that was working in the pressing section, because you could often find cash and other fun things in the pockets. She started flying signs after it became too difficult to lift the clothing at the shop. Now she sits, sometimes twice a week, in her folding camping chair, praying for the charity of others.
Starting out, she was very reluctant to join me for lunch. However, by the end of our time, she seemed energized as if she thoroughly enjoyed the conversation. When bidding each other farewell, with now a joy in her voice she said; "Maybe I'll see you down there again sometime."
It is so nice to know a name and a story behind our local sign flyer's. I do hope to converse with her again soon. Until then, Miss Mary will be in my prayers.

Memories

2010-01-14T09:36:00.002-06:00

I've spent a good part of the morning looking at old friends blogs and Facebook pages. I'm reminded of the fun times spent together and all the things I learned with and through them. I have a strong desire to return to those days. At the same time though I realize that if I returned to those days they would not be "those" days any longer. We have all grown in different directions. None of us are who we use to be. God brought us together for a season and now has separated us for this season. Will we ever be brought back together? I do hope so. I miss the closeness of my dear friends and the memories of our adventures. Were you to ask if I were close to them now, sadly, I would have to say no. We have no more in common than a fish and a bird. Our worlds look so different. Even in the company of them it is not the same. I want desperately for us to be able to get together and have conversations or laughing sessions like we use to, but all that seems forced now. Our world views are drastically different and is funny how much that separates you. They love to support ministry, but do not desire to be "involved". I want desperately to be involved in ministry, but cannot support it. You would think that we would work well together, but it's as if there is a relational block that keeps us just beyond closeness. I miss the friendships of old, but I thank God for the new season in our lives where he has provided new relationships. I feel over all the change is welcomed. I love where God has me and my family right now, and the anticipation of what is to come.

March

2010-01-06T08:49:00.003-06:00

Ok so I'm going back to Mali in March...I am little nervous about this trip. First major thing is it's an all girl trip! Those who know me well know that I don't deal with girls very well. So this could be an interesting trip. There is a reason that all of my friends growing up were guys. I can foresee a lot of drama. And second I don't know anyone that's going extremely well. I have a couple of good acquaintances that I will be traveling with. I have no idea if it will be an great opportunity to get to know some of them better or if it's a great opportunity to to wish I had gone on a different trip! Not to mention how they may think about me after this trip! I warned someone on the last trip that I can be very annoying in large quantities. Perhaps I should put out a general warning on this one as well...Once again I have no idea why I'm going on this trip. When praying about this trip or another, it kept ringing in my head "march, March, MARCH!" So...I'm going in March. I'm praying that my obedience will be rewarded with some sense of accomplishment or at the very least that I won't return home not sure why I even went. I don't want this to be just a trip. It's so easy to come home and it turn into the memories of the "vacation" aspect of it. I don't want that to happen. Although I do not know all the workings of God, so it's selfish I guess to ask for me to see how he uses me on this trip. It is so very frustrating though to go and feel like you've wasted an opportunity God has given you. I'm sure He used me in ways on the last trip that I have no idea about. All of that to say I'm very excited about this upcoming trip but I'm so very, very nervous.

I feel like Paul, kinda

2009-12-17T15:52:00.002-06:00

So I'm reading Francis Chan's new book "Forgotten God". It's about the Holy Spirit. In it he asks you to evaluate why you want more of the spirit. Whether you want Him to be closer to God or whether you want Him to see miracles and so on. It really has me thinking today. Why do I want more of the spirit or the spirit at all? Is it out of a desire to be closer to God? Yes part of it is. But after a deep evaluation I've found that a lot of it is for status. He compared those seeking the Spirit for miracles to that of the magician who offered the disciples money to purchase the spirit to do great works. Am I seeking the Spirit to follow Him or am I trying to get Him to do something for me? I have to admit I have been humbled greatly today. I want to be able to say I want Him to follow Him. I desire to be able to say that. But in reality that is not the case. Even though I want that it's not what I want. So how do you get to the point that you want that? I pray for the desire to want that. I pray to want, what I want to want, that I don't yet want. It's a very hard train of thought to follow, I know. Every time I think about it I think of Paul's statement "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do -this I keep on doing." -Romans 7:15&19 It's just a constant battle of the spirit and the flesh. And it's really frustrating!

Missing Africa

2009-12-06T18:40:00.002-06:00

A week now after we've been home and I'm dying to go back. My heart was never in Africa with all our discussions of where to go if we were to do missions. And I can't say that it's there still. But I can see us going for a few months at a time. Strangely enough I miss the culture. I miss the language. I miss how simple things are there. I miss how open minded all the people I met were. After being back I realize how arrogant and close minded so many Americans are. Here we think if it's not done our way it's not done right. We have no concept of just living here. There has to be a goal or something new you're saving to buy. I think the thing I miss the most is their contentment. And the worst part of reverse culture shock for me is the fact that Americans don't comprehend being content. Coming back to the season we're in is very hard. Seeing everyone pour over catalogs and discuss all they need to buy just to have a reasonably happy Christmas. I remember the look on Monatas face when we explained why we celebrate Christmas. I guarantee that true celebration will be taking place in K village this Christmas. When here I wonder if most even remember the reason we celebrate at all. I've never been a huge fan of the ease we have here in America. Although I now appreciate how easy life is here I still am frustrated, probably more so now, by the consequences of the ease of life. Faith in third world countries is a true faith. When you face persecution and you proclaim your faith despite that, it is encouraging. What is best for our faith? poverty or plenty? I know what's best for my faith.

Trip

2009-11-17T07:26:00.002-06:00

We are now officially leaving in less than two days and I still feel totally unprepared for this trip. I'm packed and have my teaching material mostly memorized, I know enough of the language to get by, but yet I can't understand why I'm going. I know all along that God has wanted me on this trip, I just for the life of me can't figure out why. I'm going with much excitement, but question as well. What plans does God have for us on this trip? I mean I can see the possibilities for Caleb. He's outgoing, and is overly ready to be telling people about Christ. I'm not outgoing at all, it takes me forever to warm up to people to even be able to talk without wanting to cry. I am not a teacher, speaker, confrontational person at all. I know what I know, but have a hard time getting it out so other people understand it. I'm not saying I can't see how God is going to use me. I know he can use anyone, and I'm probably more like the people he chooses to use. I know if I do anything it won't be me! Which is a lot of the reason I'm excited, but I still feel unprepared. I'm trying to do my part and be read up and prayed up and ready to recognize the spirits movement, yet I feel like I need so much more time! I guess this is that point where I need to go from being a Saul and praying about what to do, to becoming a Johnathan and just doing it. I'm ready to do it, I'm just nervous all the same. There is always that feeling of what if I'm wrong. Why doesn't that go away? No matter how sure you are of something there is always this little thought that jumps up and says "yeah but what if?!" I want to squash that little thought and smear it across the floor! I feel as if I'm rambling now so I'll stop now.

prayer request

2009-11-09T07:35:00.002-06:00

So I've been feeling this nudge for a while now but have been trying to ignore it. This nudge that as much as I love my church, my ministry may not be in it or with it. I've been fighting this since the beginning of the year. Giving in to it at some points only to recoil after no direction. I am at the peak of giving into it again. Still with no direction really only I think I've found the subject. It seems to have been confirmed the past two weeks in two different sermons by two different people who I love dearly, and after a well placed conversation with a family member of sorts. I've known for the past six to eight months that my ministry would be in the U.S. for now. Dealing with the cultural confusion of religion. This past month or two now though it has been narrowed down to the "Christians" who have disowned the church, and the non- believers who revel in the downfalls of churches. I don't know yet how to engage these people or what Gods plans are for me yet. I know that these people will never be reached through a church so it has to be something completely unrelated. I have one idea right now but am afraid to put it out there because of it's ridiculousness. I'm still praying over it trying to figure it out. I can hear people now saying "that's not a good idea" and honestly I don't know that I can argue that it is. I've just been praying for some inspiration and some ideas to be able to serve God in the way he wants me to. And this popped into my head. It's a huge, huge! undertaking though. Something my whole family would need to be willing to pursue with me. So I ask for your prayer for guidance and wisdom, and perhaps a new idea!

Responsibility

2009-10-20T08:50:00.002-05:00

I woke up very frustrated this morning. I'm not sure if it was dreaming that happened that I can't remember or if it was the amazing writing of Erwin Mcmanus before bed that triggered it. I woke up thinking about responsibility and how the world views it. And how I hate that word! Our culture has traded in our faith for responsibility...We claim it as a Christians duty to be responsible. Make sure YOU have everything in control. Insurance, birth control, retirement, savings accounts...I could go on! When did taking control of our own lives and leaving God out of the equation become a Christian quality? We say now that we pray about these things and feel led to be responsible. Where is our biblical example of these things. Tell me where in the bible I can find the idea of retirement. Please! I would like someone to show me that. Because I can't find it. And when did we become better at knowing what is best for our families that we should decide when or when not to have a child?! When did Children go from being a blessing in the bible, to being something that must be controlled in number in our days? I understand that everyone is called to live a different way but why when you choose to live a life without being culturally responsible are you looked down on and made fun of? I have heard many "good Christian" people make fun of the Duggars. Seriously? Is there a problem with letting God control your family? When does letting God run your life become irresponsible?! God has blessed that family with many children. Along with that he has blessed them with the ability to parent them and to financially support them. I get very disturbed when I hear people acting like their stupid. I commend them for their great faith! How many people today in our culture truly let God lead their lives, and how many people are "responsible"?

A battle for my children

2009-10-13T08:00:00.002-05:00

When times are hard I am close to God, and even though circumstances aren't great life really does seem pretty easy. But when circumstances turn around I don't know if I just let down my guard or what. I can feel Satan moving in and setting up his battle front. Emotions are heightened, and not the good ones. I can feel the darkness some days. I am not worried for myself. I know these times and know that he has no hold on me. I've learned to recognize the attitude shifts in myself and my husband. And it puts me on alert. Together we can battle it in Christ. It worries me with my children though. I've seen a trend in the accounts of possession and they seem to be mainly children. Is it because they are more susceptible by not understanding the battle? I can control my actions and my thoughts but I have no control over another's. I pray for my children and talk with them, but it doesn't feel like enough. It still feels like I should be able to protect them more. I feel like I'm falling short in the parenting department. I don't want just well behaved children, which is what most people see. I want them to have hearts for God and to be able to show that through their actions. Have I become the mother who has taught her children the right way to act but not the reason for the actions? I've tried so hard to teach the heart aspects but still I feel I've fallen short.

Confessions

2009-10-05T13:51:00.002-05:00

I have people that I know right now that are frustrating me. People who say they trust God, but yet are not willing to wait on his timing or plan on his provisions. People who say "praise God", but live a life that best benefits them without thinking of Gods designs in life.Have we all gotten so caught up in our world that we can't see the difference in Gods design and mans? I'm so frustrated by all these different people, and yet... I find myself today in the same place. I say I'm trusting in God, I'm ready to let him lead us wherever he will. Then things start getting on my nerves about plans or details that I think should happen or not happen. Then it hits me. I'm aggravated because details are not working out how I thought they would. I'm aggravated because I've unknowingly put so much store in my plans that I've forgotten I said I would go anywhere and do anything for him. So if things aren't going my way then I need to see if maybe they're going Gods. I need to get over my need to have things fit into place. Am I trying to understand him so deeply that I miss the simplicity he is offering? Caleb's schooling has been hard on everyone in the family. Him the most, having to give up any small amount of free time he had to start with he's been pulling late nights and spending no time with the family. Kaden still doesn't understand why he's off of school on weekends, but Caleb is holed up the bedroom wading through books. However, It has given Caleb and I some more common ground in the evenings. We can each read his schooling and sit and discuss the questions together. It's interesting learning with my husband. It has brought a different type of intimacy to our relationship. With all the head aches of deadlines, and trying to schedule work and ministries into those extra 20 hours a day that don't exist; we're growing through it. Growing closer to God and each other. It's difficult when things don't go according to your plans, yet fulfilling at the same time, knowing how God is using those difficult times.

Still learning...

2009-09-30T15:29:00.002-05:00

God has graciously reminded me today of who he is. He did it gently through his word and through song, THANK YOU for that! I'm not sure I can handle another circumstance reminder right now. He has reignited my passion for missions and reminded me that he is God of all. He isn't just the God of our cause...God of the poor, God of the stay at home mom, God of Africa, God of the "christian". We unwittingly put Him in this box of what we want or believe he is. Unfortunately we do it according to our culture and subcultures. It takes much study and prayer to move beyond those stereotypes of God to find the truth, that is if we can ever truly understand who God is. He is God of all the earth, unfathomable, and he has sent us out with a mission.We cannot do this on our own, only by him and through him is anything accomplished. I feel like I've been stressed over this or that and only today have I realized it's because I'm taking his command and trying to do it on my own.Even though I ask for his help and his guidance I'm still only asking for that. I'm not relying on him to do things. I'm worrying about how this will work or how I'm going to get this started, how do I make these people see, why don't those people understand? God has his plan...he's had it from the beginning of time. God is God. This is his plan and his world and he wants to save it. And I'm here to help in whatever way he wants me.

Whats in the box???

2009-09-28T16:14:00.004-05:00

I'm having one of those weeks of jitters that I get when our lives are on the verge of something big. I don't know yet what the "big" thing is , but I'm anxious about it. Not necessarily a good anxious either. For the past year we have had God leading us in different things and they've all been great. For everyone of them I have had this jittery feeling ...But this one is different. Those were all excited jitters and this one is more like something big that I may not want to happen. Its hard to explain. I feel like I'm coming to this point where God is going to have this beautiful present for me, with all the bows and streamers and fancy things, and hold it out to me, and boy do I want it. But somewhere there is this feeling like I shouldn't take it. A feeling that it's a test, and if I just pass on this extravagantly wrapped box he's going to have something better. Something He really wants me to have... Or do I just secretly fear what's in the box?

adoption

2009-09-20T19:13:00.003-05:00

So I've been reading this book...I feel like most of my thoughts start out that way anymore. Anyway, I've been reading this book and he really brings out the Adoption as children of God. I have to say I've heard this many times, but for some reason it really hit me as interesting this time. To look at the sermon on the mount not from the perspective of, more rules and regulations; but from the perspective of a birth son welcoming new siblings into the family, and explaining how to please the father. It just seems very different. No longer is it an obligation to fulfill these teachings, but a desire to please a father. A father who ,despite who you are, chose you, and adopted you into his family. A father who has endowed you with the same inheritance as his own son. Just to think about it in family terms has put a whole new understanding into my head. Like I said before I've heard this perspective many times before but this time it came with that "ah ha" moment as well.

update

2009-09-19T08:53:00.003-05:00

hmm I just read an update from a friends blog and thought I should do the same. Although I don't really know what to update...We are still planning to go to Africa in November, although our support has slowed waaayy down, and we're only half way there. But God is good and we're not leaving yet so I'm not worried. Caleb has been busy with school. I think he's starting to get into a rhythm though. I'm starting to see him watching more tv and not do as much school. So he's either doing after I go to bed or he's not doing any! I vote for after bed because I get on to check his status :) Not much work but enough to pay our bills, which is great. Our Body life group picked back up last Monday and I think it's going to be really good this year. My children are fighting unstoppably and it's driving me insane! I need a roll of duck tape...Hands, feet, mouth, quiet...Some times I just want to ship them off for someone else to deal with. Seriously I don't get it. They obey when I tell them to do other things but this, NO! Hitting and pinching, slapping and yelling. And no one knows what happened or who started it !
I still have no flooring in the upstairs of my house. I had wanted something down by Christmas this year, but...it's not looking good. However a lot of my priorities have changed over the past year since we moved in.
I think I'm out of things to update on...the boys are slamming doors and screaming down stairs so...I should probably go ask what no one can answer.

Rain

2009-09-02T08:31:00.002-05:00

I love the rain...it helps me think more clearly. When the sun is out, I get on with my day and it's go, go, go. When it's raining I sit and pray and think. I'm not sure why it works that way, but it does. As I've been sitting here this morning thinking and praying, I've been thinking about my children. Am I teaching them to depend on God? Am I teaching them what it looks like to love Him? Are we as a family depending on God? I'm thinking about all the selfish things I want and if anything I want lines up with what God wants. So far I haven't' found anything...I'm continually reminded that God has His own plans and I need to get on board with them. I find myself fighting them as much as possible though. I try to convince myself that in the end His plans will turn into mine. I don't see that actually happening. It's just a delusion of mine. So if that isn't going to happen...how do I submit fully to join Him in His work? How do I not think about the normal things in life? How do I overcome this selfishness to focus on loving people? How do I make that my number one priority? Right now it's a nice thought but not being lived out. How do you integrate ministry with life? How do you make your life a ministry? I feel like I do a lot of the "right" things but how do you get your heart behind it? I feel like Moses some times. God sent me so I went but I didn't really want to. I'm so happy behind the scenes. Where no one hears me or sees me. But yet I feel called to be at least somewhat up front and I'm fighting it. It's a lot of pressure. I don't have the answers, I don't do well leading discussions, I don't do well socializing in general. I'm more of a sit and listen type of person. I feel like I have to push myself to be friendly! I find certain people that I feel comfortable around and I tend to stick with them. I don't like making new friends. How do I overcome that? How am I suppose to spread Gods love when I don't like to even talk to people? I know I come across as snobbish or unthankful or whatever the circumstance calls for but it's just because I don't' really show any emotions on the outside. I'm not really sure how this post turned into this, when I start writing it just goes...but that's what rain does to me! :)

Fever

2009-08-31T14:18:00.002-05:00

ok so I'm dying of baby fever right now! Almost everyone of my friends is either pregnant or has just had a baby. I thought I was done with wanting more babies. I didn't want to deal with the late nights and the diapers, the hauling around and the crying...but now it's starting to seem appealing again. Crazy I know! I'm still not a big fan of other peoples babies but just seeing them makes me want another. I miss the excitement of watching them learn to move around and the tiny little hands which they can't control. I love the smell of little baby hair and the warmth of them all curled up on your chest asleep. I hate seeing them grow and change from baby to boy. It makes me sad. I'm glad for this stage as well but I feel not quite done. I was explaining to a friend the other day that I think if I could continue to have one every three years I think I'd be ok. I don't want a bunch of babies but one at a time is ok with me. I get to enjoy all of the stages while keeping myself busy with baby stuff. I honestly like having to do housework with a baby attached! I know I'm crazy but I enjoy the challenge. I would pray that God would over run our house with children. We can add on if need be. I've been reading a lot in the old testament lately about barren women and how God blesses them with many children. He blesses them! Why would I ever consider them anything else than a blessing? I think an ideal number is five. I can go up on that if I need though. I'm not sure how Caleb feels about that though. I think two wear him out pretty good, but would he deny a blessing?

God is good

2009-08-26T07:49:00.003-05:00

God has been so good. He's provided us with good friends. He's placed each one of them in our lives, I feel to further us on to where He wants us. He has given us many trials as of late, which I thank Him for more and more each day for what I have and am learning through them. He has started to provide more work for Caleb. Not so much that we gain any kind of freedom but enough where a lot of stress is gone. He's been verifying steps we've taken in obedience. I'm truly looking forward to whatever He has in store for us at this point. It's all an adventure and who better to plan an adventure than our Creator and God! I take comfort in the fact that He knows where this is going and how it will end and that it's the way He's decided it should. I take comfort in the fact that I am not in control. For who am I to say I know anything? I've come to realize over the years that when I think I know anything or I make decisions; it is wrong and not satisfying. Even conversations based about me knowing something or what decisions I've made seem empty. A life built around me is empty and meaningless, but I've come to revel in the life built around someone greater. A joy that I've never known, a peace that I've never had, even in the midst of struggle, a calm that was never there before. Following Christ is not a life where everything works out the way you want it, but it's a life where you don't care if everything works out the way you want it. Because your purpose in life is not your own.

Thankful

2009-08-19T07:52:00.002-05:00

I am so very thankful for at least one good friend, that can tell you life sucks, and make you laugh even though you're crying. And also remind you that God is great always. I am so thankful that God is pursuing me even though I'm running away screaming at the moment. I'm so thankful that He's forgiving when He catches me! Even in the midst of all the stupidity of life I am blessed. If I can focus on the blessings, then the crap doesn't seem so stinky. How's that for profound? Love you! you know who you are!

Doughnuts and Phonebooks

2009-08-13T07:40:00.002-05:00

OK so the thought occurred to me this morning that we use some confusing words in our explaining the gospel to people. Like the words "gift of salvation" and "He freely gives" So I thought I'd do a bit of research and see what I could come up with. If anyone can find more than I did please let me know! I couldn't find gift of salvation anywhere in the bible! Which I find strange that we use that term if it isn't in there. And then the who freely gives thing...I found a lot of stuff but mostly what I found didn't sound all that free to me, in our way of thinking anyway. I think when we use that term for most people here in the US, it implies that there are no strings attached, whatsoever. Free here usually means free. You get a free doughnut at Krispy cream,they hand it to you; and you eat it, it's free. You get a free phone book in your driveway...Free, or so it seems. Why is it we overlook the important parts to that freeness? We overlook the fact that you had to ask for the doughnut or go out and pick up the phonebook. When it comes to salvation we tend to think we just get it. We don't have to do anything, we just get it if we want it. I was thinking about it in terms of College classes this morning. If you want to take a College class for credit there are steps you have to take. A professor offers a class, but is that enough for you to get credit for it? Christ offers Salvation and Forgiveness. Is that enough? In order to take that class you first have to enroll! Then you have to actually commit to the work load. Can you imagine either of these scenarios? You show up for class every day faithfully, you do all the assignments, and do great on them! When you get your report at the end of the semester you notice the class you did so well in, isn't on it. You go to ask the professor why, saying, "I did so well in this class, I showed up every day, I completed all the work, I scored well on the tests. Why are you not even showing that I took this class?" And your professor says, "you were never enrolled for this class. Sorry".

"Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"(Mathew 7:22-23)

Or how about this one, You sign up for this class, you meet the professor, tell him how excited you are to take this class this semester; and you plan to do well on it. Then you never come to class again. Then at the end of the semester you get your report, and it has a big fail by it. You go to the professor, and ask him why you failed. He says,"seriously?" You did everything you were suppose to, to get signed up, and on good terms with the professor, but then you failed to make the commitment to do the work.

"Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon." (Isaiah 55:7)

It isn't enough to sign up for the class with great intentions...you have to do the work too. Forsake...Turn...

It just seems strange to me that we tend to overlook these parts of it. We hear free, and go "sweet!" Then we fail to actually ask for that doughnut, or pick up the phonebook.

Crashing

2009-08-08T14:21:00.002-05:00

The weight of life is coming down on me. I'm starting to feel the strain. I need a vacation and then I realize, I can't pay my bills much less go away for a while. God is doing a lot right now but we've hit another lull. The weeks seem to drag by and the time that we're serving fly. I'm tired of this life. I'm ready to feel productive. I'm tired of waiting ,not knowing if this is going to be my life forever or if there's more. If this is my service I want to do good at it, but there is this nagging feeling that this isn't it yet. And that I need to be patient still. I don't understand how anything is going to work. I'm tired of playing nice with people who just don't get it. I'm tired of people saying one thing and meaning another. I'm tired of doing without. I'm tired being thought stupid for my faith. I'm tired of not seeing my husband for stupid reasons. I'm tired of cleaning a house that won't stay clean. I'm tired of feeling like this is all a game and that I'm losing. I'm tired of being tired. I know God is working and he has a plan for us, but it feels like He keeps changing directions all the time, and I'm having a hard time keeping up. I feel discouraged when I'm not serving, but I don't know what to do! I want to love people, but who and how? I am nothing and I have nothing...less than nothing, and I know God is bigger than anything, and can do anything and I keep asking him to provide something or someone and I keep looking but I see nothing. I see only people I already know who are struggling, but don't want to hear how to change things for the better. They all want confirmation that there deceived lives are really actually ok. That God will bless them with whatever they want if they keep waiting on it. "God's my little fix it. I don't have to live like it says in the bible because God loves me, and He does whatever I want him to." I'm bitter...I don't know what God wants me to do with that kind of attitude. It seems to be all I'm getting though. So this must be my answer to prayer. I just don't know what to do with it! How long do you try? How "nice" should you be? When people who should be growing in their faith have taken on this attitude, where do you go? What can you say? Why am I surrounded by these people!! Someone help me! I feel like the weight lifters who are almost strong enough to lift the bar, and you watch them in suspense during that moment. Waiting, waiting to see if they can finish the lift or if it's just a bit to much. Will they get it up there, or will they have to let go of the bar, and scramble out of the way as it clangs down back on the ground ? I'm in that suspenseful moment right now. I feel the pressure of life and it's fullness on me. Can I hold it up? Or is it going to crash back on the floor. I keep looking to God to take the weight away and I just see him watching as well, to see whats going to happen.

Faithfulness

2009-07-31T09:25:00.002-05:00

As Caleb said last night in our Body life group, God has been using a lot of resources lately to tell us the same thing. Every one we seem to come across keeps telling us that faithfulness is not guaranteed to be easy. As a mater of fact it's most likely going to be extremely hard and difficult. Now two resources in the past week that are totally unrelated have emphasized the last half of Hebrews 11. Most of the time we hear about how faithful the first half were and how God used them in mighty ways. Ex: Enoch, Noah, Abraham. But then in the last half of 11 it goes on to tell of how "some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned, they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated-" These don't sound like the outcomes we usually hear of people who are faithful to God. They are not what we usually expect to receive for our faithfulness. We would like to say that those who endured those things must not have been as faithful as the others they talk about in Hebrews 11, but it says all were commended for their faith. And I would like to point out as "The Barbarian Way" did that he named a few people who it worked out well for and the others he said he didn't have time to tell about. How many of them were there ,that it didn't end as gloriously for as it did for Abraham or Noah. A lot more I would assume. So why is it we tend to think if we're faithful that Gods going to work everything out so we are happy and comfortable. That if we just learn to be faithful that it'll all work out great for everyone. This is telling us that it's not. That you should plan on being faithful through these things and if it works out for the better then great but that's not why you're here! I loved how in TBW he pointed out the story in John about Peter. When Jesus is telling Peter basically how he's going to die, and Peter says "what about him?" speaking of John; and Jesus says "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." I love that! What is it to us if He wants one to do one thing and another to something else. Who are we to ask! We only need worry about ourselves and how we will respond to Him.

W2P

2009-07-26T22:53:00.002-05:00

So much to talk about from tonight but the easiest and probably the most important, is Kaden. We more or less took Kaden to the worship hoping that he would grow up a little bit. I think God is working in him a bit. He's starting to ask questions about things. He went tonight and sat through an amazing worship time of prayer and singing and imitated a few of those who he saw. On the way home he said "Daddy I liked the songs and I even held my hands up like some of the other people. That's good isn't it? Why do they do that?" It was a great opportunity for us to explain to him praise and surrender. Caleb explained that every one worships differently and that there are many ways to worship. He reminded him that we had a time that everyone called out praises of what they were thankful for and a time of just quiet prayer. He explained that some hold up there hands and other lay on their faces depending on what the spirit is calling you to do at the time. Kaden didn't say much be he seemed to soak it all in. I've been praying for some time now that God would begin a great work in him. Nothing I can say or do will change Kaden's heart or make him what I want him to be. God is the one who reveals the truth and opens hearts to receive Him. I just pray that God helps us to be parents that will encourage a maturing of his faith, and to be a truly barbaric lover of God. I don't want to teach him how to be a "christian"...I want him to find God and be whatever He wants him to be. Even if that's different from what I imagine he will be. Although I don't have anything in mind right now and I'm waiting to be plesantly surprised. I know whatever Gods plans are they more than I can imagin or understand, so I try not to even try.

"The Barbarian Way"

2009-07-24T10:53:00.002-05:00

Thank you Denise for recommending this book! Perfect timing for me! There is nothing more that I desire than to be a Barbarian for my God! He did not make us cookie cutter people that all follow this conformist way that "Christians" act, look, worship,pray,ect. He gave us guidelines to follow? Yes ,but ask us to all be the same?No. We should stand up for our God no matter the costs, we give into our convictions no matter what they may look like to others. We live a life that demands an explanation! and I love how in this book he points out that no matter what you act like you will find those who disagree with your way of life.

"For John came neither eating nor

drinking, and they say "he has a demon."

The Son of Man came eating and drinking,

and they say "here is a glutton and a

drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners."

(Mathew 11:16-19)

How true this is! I'm not ready to conform to this worlds view of "Christianity" I want to live out a faith that seems absurd to most. I'm tired of all the programs and study groups that we attend and feel we've done our part in this Christian religion. "I attended this and I help with that. It's tiring but it's part of it..." I recently heard someone close say "I'm just not real big on all this religion stuff" Well neither am I! Where was God in any of that? Where was the relationship? Who heard from God?

Serve because you were lead to by God, love because HE asks you to. Don't turn it into another religion that has rules and regulations and if you don't follow how we say you should then you can't really be part of this religion anymore. The only rule you should have is God's rule.Get to know Him, search His word, what does he say life and love should look like? I think as well meaning "Christians" we've taken what God has said and made it fashionable and exciting to be part of. Forget the point, lets sing together and listen to nice stories. We'll love eachother as long as it doesn't inconvience any of us, we'll help others as long as we have enough first...When in reality Christ said it's miserable. If you love me ,then you'll join me anyway.

It's not about you, it's about ME!

2009-07-23T09:01:00.003-05:00

So today in our study we were suppose to think back to our spiritual markers in our lives. As I was thinking back I realized that each one was a person and through each one God taught me "it's not about you, it's about me!" A lot of people that have followed the calling of God no matter the cost and some that have forced me to see this for myself. He has been training me for this since I was little. Perhaps this is goes along with my spiritual gift of encouragement. I'm able to see that it's not about you it's about HIM in most situations. So not the type of encouragement that makes you feel all nice and fuzzy but the kind that keeps you on the right track. I've found this out not very long ago and something funny I think is that this last week, as we were canning pickles with Caleb's Grammy she informed us that Caleb's gift had always been leadership. She said she wasn't a bit surprised about our ministry call because she had seen Caleb's gift as a young child and always known he would end up there. So together we have Leadership and Encouragement. God sure knows what he's doing.

Two days in a row, I'm on a roll!

2009-07-22T09:42:00.002-05:00

So today, as I asked of Him, God has revealed that I have not been centered on him. I've been worried about my own circumstances and how is this or that going to work out. When I should be thinking about what is God doing. He can do anything he wants. If I'm following him and working with him, is it even a question that things will work out. Why do I focus on this world anyway? This world is nothing although it seems like everything."This world has nothing for me, and this world has everything" Love me some Caedmon's call! I should be focused on Him and His glory alone, which is the only thing that can be gained in this life. In John 6 , Jesus asks one of his disciples "where can we buy food for these people?" Even though he knew full well he wasn't going to buy them any food. But his disciples response is like any of ours would be. We can't. There's no way to feed all these people. Jesus wasn't asking for advice! He was making a point. Why do we assume we know the truth of a situation until we hear from Jesus himself? Jesus changes everything. He is God! He can do whatever he wants. That's what makes him God! The truth of the situation is not that there is no food for the people, it is that God has a plan and until we ask and hear from him we can't know what the truth of the situation is. I really struggled with this concept as I was reading it this morning. I kept reading it saying "God I know there is more in this that I"m not seeing, I know you want me to understand this rather than just move on as I so often do." Then like one of those ah ha moments that happen so often, you get a glance at what it means. Not enough of one that you can truly explain it to someone else but enough of one that you sit and meditate on it. How differently life can be viewed if you truly see things through this filter. Truth is not what we see; it is What God alone says it is. But he doesn't always share that perspective with us. Sometimes we have to ask.

um yeah

2009-07-21T08:07:00.002-05:00

So it's been a while. I haven't had time to blog in well, apparently like four months. Life has been crazy. What all has happened since I last wrote. God has decided Caleb doesn't need a job anymore. I'm not sure why yet but I feel that he's going to tell us soon. He has told us that ministry is in order for us. To what degree, we're still waiting to hear. Our interests include, church planting, youth ministry, or missions. Although, it's not what our interests are that are important. Through a series of very complicated circumstances Caleb has decided that school is what he's suppose to do right now and is working on getting enrolled at Ecclesia. He's contemplating a missions trip to Mali the day after Christmas, which I believe he's going to do. Whether or not I join him has been undecided as of yet. I'm not sure if I should go or not. Would I be going because God has called me to do that or would I be going because I don't want to get left behind...I want to go but I don't know if I should yet.
God has been expanding us lately. Our pride has taken a huge hit. With Caleb being out of work things are tight right now and apparently it's starting to show. We've been getting anonymous gifts of money, which don't get me wrong are great, but hard on the ego. We're not very good on the receiving end of gifts. So is God preparing us to be on mission and receive support? It's a very confusing time for us right now. So many questions and so very little direct answers. I've been told twice this week now by a study I'm doing that God will fill me in, when and if, I need to know. So...I guess I'm learning to be patient. Although I thought I was pretty patient to start with.
A lot of trials with friends and family have happened over the past few months. It's been a pretty common theme. We're trying to let God direct us and are changing the things the spirit is convicting us of yet it's been seen by a lot of people as becoming "holier than thou" even though we haven't told anyone they need to change how their living. Only that we're are changing the way we are. However it's still stressful to have others upset with you. When no matter what you say you can't explain to them why they feel that way. God is the only one who can explain that. So its frustrating. On both sides ,I know because I use to be where they are, looking at people who were "too good". I use to think they did it just because they wanted people to see. Now God has been convicting us and working in our lives and I have a whole new understanding. I've lost some friends, and been distanced from some, although God has given me new wonderful friends, I still miss the others.
This feels like a jumbled mess...it probably is. I'm a bit rusty on my writing skills. I hope to keep up with my writing now. It's a nice outlet for me. I've never been great at speaking but I can write one heck of a sermon! ha! I take it as a honor to be able to help Caleb with ministry. I in no way feel like I'm to be in ministry myself other than an volunteer. But I do feel like God has placed me with Caleb to help him. Not that he needs help ,but that's my purpose as a wife isn't it? To be a help meet? To encourage and lend advice or insight but to remain in my place, not as the leader of the family but as a servant to it. This is how I see things anyway, and I have encountered opposition on this front as well...but I am firm in what God has revealed and I find comfort that this new understanding to me has come from him. Now I'm off to enjoy my rainy day, seeing as the family has started to stir this lovely morning. God is good, all the time. Whether or not I choose to see that is my problem.

God's hand

2009-03-05T08:48:00.002-06:00

From the beginning of my memory I can see God working. How do we not see him in present time when it is so easy to see his work in the past? God brought me up to this place and this time. Everything was ordained by Him. Even those things that at the time we thought could never be from God. He put me through my trials as a child to make me who I am today. Without that breaking down of my heart, it would not have been soft for his moulding. " For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:11-13 Through my days as a teenager, with all my friends, through every circumstance, God was gently moulding my heart and my mind. Looking back, selfish and lustful for idols, as I was. I can see God's hand turning me from my evil ways. Though at the time I was blind to it. Each step he has taken me I can look back and see how deep in sin I actually was. God is continually showing me myself and making improvements. How far I've come, yet, I am sure, how far I have to go.

Good friends

2008-12-28T19:38:00.002-06:00

I'm glad there are people who can make you feel better without even saying anything! I have people in my life who I can talk to for hours and feel the same as when I started, but there are those who say nothing and give an all knowing smile or a timely hug and hello that make you feel encouraged without even trying. I thank God for those people right now. And feel blessed to know at least one of these such people. I ask that He show me more, for I am tired and need encouraging as much, if not more than I give out. I feel drained, many come to me for encouragement in one form or another and I am tired and in need of recharging. I love my place that God has put me in to be an encourager but I pray that he send those to me that I need as well. People who I can see qualities in that I aspire to have. Instead of "qualities" that I use to have and have since realized I should set aside. I have found myself encouraging many of my beloved friends out of those same "qualities" with out having anyone to encourage me in the new way I should go. I have a few that share the ideals I have learned to be striving for but we are all in the same area in our lives and without having anyone to help guide us into the unknow we are stumbling haphazardly around trying to make sence of life. I pray for someone, or many who understand and have the wisdom spoken of in Timothy. "The older women shall teach the younger" I need that older woman in my life right now or as many as God sees fit to put in my life.

Boog

2008-11-18T14:18:00.000-06:00

Caleb brought home two new kitties from deer camp this year. I send him to bring home food and this is what he returns with! This is Boog. She has replaced Lucy as our semi indoor cat.(meaning she stays in during the day and in the garage at night) Our other two, Lucy and Suri, stay in the garage full time now. I don't have any pictures of them yet but suri is beautiful too. She is almost all white with a little bit of black on her head. She has very short hair though, which makes her look very tall and skinny. I like the fat ones! And Boog is fat.
Boog. Caleb named her. I would have liked her name to be Sadie but...Caleb doesn't get to name any of our animals. She wasn't my first choice seeing as she has long hair but she is the best suited for our family. Very docile. She would just as soon hide and nap as she would play with anyone. She never jumps on anyone and usually stays out of the way.
So consider yourself introduced to the newest member of the Gabriele household.

And more yet!

2008-11-03T15:15:00.000-06:00

More portraits

2008-11-03T15:13:00.000-06:00

portraits

2008-11-03T15:11:00.000-06:00

We finally talked Caleb's little brother into taking portraits this year while we were in Gulf Shores. He says he's not good at portraits! confidence is what he's not good at! I think they turned out great!

Journal.

2008-10-16T09:37:00.002-05:00

So We've been keeping a Journal in our Youth lately and this topic has been weighing on my heart. Not being sure how to approach this with the girls...or even if I should, I felt like I needed to post it somewhere. I would love some feedback on it if anyone has anything to add or disagree with. I'm always looking to further my understanding and if anyone disagrees I'd love to have another idea to throw into my musings.

Deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow me.(Matt 16:24) Deny, deny, deny, deny... Selflessness, selfless... selfish, selfish, selfish... that is what I am, that is humans, that is nature. How do I feel, what can God do for me, why isn’t he doing for me, what work is He doing in My life....selfish. Why am I here, for my own selfish desires, for me to live a happy life, Life is pointless when it is centered around me. What would be the purpose of my insignificant life? What could I learn or do or be in my vanity of vanities life? Unless...it’s not about me. What if my life were centered around God. Wow. What a change that would make. But even saying that I still feel it centered around me. My life, My life, My life. My family, My friends, My work, My daily activities to be centered around God. Am I living in my world or Gods world? Is God the center of MY plans and world, or am somehow a small picture of His world and Plans. Should it be how do I feel about this, or rather what is Gods purpose in this. Not my feelings, but his design. Is my suffering or my troubles anything to even be thought about in the scheme of things? No. There is a bigger picture out there that is hard to grasp. What is my suffering if it can do great things for God. Nothing. All things for the greater good. Can I be content knowing that it’s not my will but His?( Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.") He gave us all, all that we have, everything, every bit of everything. Our life, our world, our friends, our family, our salvation from something beyond ourselves and our world(proverbs 16:33). How confined we are in our thinking that this world is it. It is everything. We need to think on a bigger picture, not limit ourselves to this world or our lives. We were created....we will never die. Never. never. Think about that for a minute. We will never die. Our bodies my stop working but we, who we actually are, our thinking, our loves, our passion, US. We will never die. He gave us everything. Not for us. Though he loves us, is love a selfless act or a selfish act? He created not for us to have a fun life full of joy and happiness. He created for Himself. We are part of His plan. To bring Glory to Him. Always, no matter the outcome or circumstances in which we do. If by our gruesome murders we can bring glory to God, is that not the purpose or our lives. So, should we think "how is God working in my life" or should we think "how can I work in His life"? What glory can my speck of a life bring to him, despite my selfishness and what I consider to be important, my suffering, my pain, my inconvenience. Not that our lives should always be dismal. But how important is it in the scheme of things if my life is dismal. (Hebrews 12:2) How can I use that for him? Because if I deny my purpose of this life on earth what is there worth living for? Like I had the choice to live or not. I will always be now. No dying for me. Even if I kill my body I"m still here. Gods advice to me, Deny myself, pick up my cross and follow him. Seek him, enjoy what I can while I’m here on this earth. If I do, I pass the test. I gain the reward. Heaven, Eternity with Him who is so powerful to create and so loving that he wouldn’t limit us to this world where hardships occur. We will never die. We are never alone. Even though we are here on this earth enduring hardships at every turn, He says I am with you. Lean on me, your not alone. Life plain out sucks sometimes, but I’m here. To help you, to show you how you can fulfill your purpose in life. The purpose I gave you. I love you, I created you to love me. No matter the circumstance,(Hebrews 12:3) I created you to love me. Let your love bring forth acts of selflessness or rather a life of selflessness. Love me. Live for me, to benefit me. This is my purpose in creating you, accept your purpose and enjoy the benefits of a job well done.(Matt. 25:23 Well done my good and faithful servant. Come and share your masters Happiness!)

Enlighetenment...I think

2008-10-09T09:48:00.002-05:00

It's so easy to go about your daily activities and forget that their is a whole world out there of others who's life isn't the same as yours. This week I've been reminded that just because life is good for me right now does not mean that it's easy for those I know and love. I have to forget MY desires and MY plans and focus on His desires and His plans not just for me but for those around me. And how do I fit into that plan. God mold me and use me however you see fit, let me influence or not, let me help or push someone to another, however I work into things let me be willing.

Wow it's been a while

2008-09-21T19:50:00.002-05:00

Yeah so I was looking at my blog and I haven't posted since April! Things have been a little busy around here. Lets see what have you missed in my life since April. We built the house, Planned to move in, Caleb broke his hand, had surgery, spent all our money on medical bills, we prayed a lot, God provided money like loaves and fish, now we're in our house. It's been a long five months. I'm sure their have been a lot of other details too but I seem to have lost them in the big memories. But on the up side I am back online now and hopefully I'll be able to keep up with this blog thing better now! I'll try to get some pictures on here soon too!

Cowboy baby

2008-04-12T10:34:00.000-05:00

Kids have so much personality. Tate just thought it was so much fun to dress up with the cowboy hat and glasses. He ran around the house yelling, and running into stuff and falling down and laughing. Then he'd bring the hat and glasses back for us to put on and then he'd take off again.

Before and After

2008-04-01T15:31:00.000-05:00

The long awaited hair cut has come. Everyone has been waiting for him to get a hair cut, except for mommy. Papa even bet him a dollar that he wouldn't cut it. Kaden was willing to give up the money to keep his hair. It took a bowl of ice cream for a bribe, and mommy almost cried, but he is now ready for summer!

Final

2008-03-28T17:36:00.001-05:00

We are officially just renters now! The sale of the house is final! We get to stay in our house though until the first week in June! The new house is started. Blocks are being laid this week. Pictures of progress to come shortly.

Sold!

2008-03-06T14:18:00.002-06:00

A total God thing! We have a contract on our house! Set to close the end of the month. We got what we wanted out of the house, and we get to stay in it until Summer! So as soon as we can we're going to get started on our new house! Hopfully we won't have to much time inbetween leaving our house and moving into the new one! I may have made my grandfather cry this morning when I told him we had it sold. He's been waiting along time to have us up by him. Now all we have to do is break the news to our wondrful neighbors. I hate to leave them. I honestly was ok with not selling the house just yet so we could spend one last summer with them. But I'm glad to have it sold and off my mind. I just hope we can continue to be as close with our neighbor friends as we are now.

I want a life again!

2008-02-10T09:20:00.000-06:00

So this makes like the fourth week of sickness in my family! I want everyone to be well again so I can get out of the house. I've missed church for almost a month. We went last week because there was a delay in the sickness for a day. I've missed Surge like three weeks now and I haven't been to play group the past three times they've had it! I'm tired of being in this house! Other people can leave in my family when they're well but Mommy has to stay when anyone is sick. It's so not fair. I love my kids and I want to be with them when they're sick but I'm going to go crazy if I don't get out of the house! The boys are almost over it. Kaden is well enough to get out and Tate is almost there too. Now if we can keep Caleb from getting it then we'll be all set! Flu season sucks!

offer

2008-02-04T16:26:00.000-06:00

Yay we got an offer on our house! Not one we could accept...but an offer all the same. I just don't understand people sometimes. The buying market is as good as it gets right now and people still give you these rediculous offers! Hello! Go to a bank; come with money. Doesn't sound hard to me.

Feelin Nerdy

2008-01-14T15:28:00.000-06:00

So I've had a lot of things lately that have made me feel nerdy but two big ones are joining Facebook and the intence feeling that I don't have enough time to read. I've been reading everything it seems like, and still want to read more. And the thought occurred to me today that I have so much to read and learn that I may not learn everything I want to learn before I die. Weird. And wanting to learn so much, I guess, is what made me feel nerdy enough to have to blog about it.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-17T18:16:00.000-06:00

The rugrats in our family.
Kaden and Tate
Chyler and Abery

No matter how many pictures you take
You can't get them all to look at the camera.

Or smile, or sit still, or not fight, not cry, not pinch,
not bite,

or to not pull hair, or clothes, or toys.

But that's what makes these pictures real. Because that's what they do. And then by some chance you surprise them or they surprise you and you get a great shot. One you can send the rest of the distant family and fool them all!

Halloween Retake

2007-11-29T09:03:00.000-06:00

This is the only half way decent picture I got from our
Halloween picture retake. With out the bribe of
Trick or treating the kids were not especially cooperative.

Daddy's swing

2007-11-18T12:38:00.000-06:00

Kaden has discovered how to swing on Daddy's swing by himself.
Now for those of you who don't know, he is swinging out over a ravine that is
about twenty five feet deep. It's so steep to the bottom that you can't walk
down it without sliding. He's a big boy now though and I'm going to have to
get use to it.

just a couple of pictures

2007-11-09T21:06:00.000-06:00

So here is our first Family portrait! It was just a quick snapshot but it does have all four of us in it.

Kaden has figured out how to take Tate for rides on his 4-wheeler now too. Tate loves it! I wish I knew how to post videos on here.

I hate it that I didn't get any pictures of the kids on Halloween. I need to dress them back up and take pictures! For those of you who want to see Tate as a bumblebee though, go to Cats blog. You'll see Tate the bee, Ethan the dragon, and Kate the amazing loaf of wonder bread!

Long time no see

2007-10-02T10:49:00.000-05:00

Wow so it's been a while! I guess I got lost in September or something. Life has been busy! Three nights a week now I'm out of the house, and planning for those three nights the rest of the week. Don't get me wrong, I love it! For the first time in quite a while I feel like I'm doing something. I don't have much time to sit and read or blog, but it's nice to be busy for a change. We've gotten rid of our tv programing all except for our local channels. That way we have more time to spend doing important things with our kids. Before it seemed like all we did was try to keep them entertained so we could watch our shows at night. Now we have a cabinet full of games that we play and the tv is on much less.
Kaden is doing well with school. He's actually learning a lot. They take him to library and computer, so he's learning how to work a computer and learning how to take care of his books. Two things which I have not managed to get through to him. It's funny how they listen to other people. Tate is getting big and is trying to walk. He doesn't have the courage to just get out there and do it. I know if he did he'd be fine but instead he freaks out at the last minute and usually hurts himself. The last incident was with a brick wall! Big black eye... no family pictures for a while I guess.

Nine months

2007-08-26T20:33:00.000-05:00

Wow I can't believe it's been nine months!
He's getting so big now. We weighed him on our home scale yesterday and he was 23lbs. Absolutely unbelievable! Not walking just yet but he'll be there soon. We're getting the standing thing down pretty well as long as he doesn't know he's standing by himself.

Pictures are beginning to be more fun now that he can actually follow a few commands.
Like sit and don't eat that!

Our church had a kick off for their new 6-8 grade ministry called Surge, tonight. They had a band called "Farewell June" come and play a concert, and they had pizza and games and stuff for the kids. Tate loved the band. Kaden was holding his ears saying it was to loud and Tate was just mesmerised. He jumped and clapped and shook his hands around. It was amazing. I think we may have a concert lover on our hands!

Before we know it we'll be shipping Kaden and Tate off to Surge by themselves. I can't believe how fast time goes by with kids. I feel like I just had a baby last month and he's coming up on a year so fast I don't know what to do!

how fast they grow

2007-08-22T21:18:00.000-05:00

Kaden at 18 months

Kaden at 3 1/2 years

Kaden starts preschool next week and I've been thinking about how fast he's grown up. I seems like just yesteday we were having his first birthday. Now Tates first is coming up soon. I can't believe its going by so fast.

Harry Potter

2007-08-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

OK so I gave in finally and started to read the Harry Potter Series. I've watched the movies that have been out, but didn't think it was just overly great. But my neighbor had the books and he let me borrow them. I skipped the books that I had seen the movies of and started in on the others. The last three, last two inparticular. Are great! I've been totally sucked in by them. Now I"m reading all of them to see if there is anything important that I missed in the movies. The books seemed to have evolved after the first few. They really did seem like children's books with the first two or three. But after that they read more like adult books. I had questioned at what age I would let Kaden read or watch it, and the first few I suppose he'll be old enough around 9 or 10. I guess we'll see how he matures over the next few years. The later books though he's going to need to be a bit older I think. They were really good but they even freaked me out a bit. I love that though but I don't know how well I would have slept if I had of read them when I was younger.

I'm not sure yet what I think about the stories as far as good or bad for you're spirituality. I don't see so far that their is anything all that bad with it as long as you have a firm foundation before you read them. I can see however that if you were searching or to young to understand, that it would be quite confusing and bad for your beliefs. I think though that if you read them strictly for entertainment value then they are just fine. Which is why I don't have a problem with Kaden reading them when he is older, I do however want to make sure that he understands that is for entertainment only and in no way is it a reality that should be sought by anyone, much less a Christian.

Fireworks

2007-07-07T21:45:00.000-05:00

Fire works don't need much
explanation I don't think.

Troys pyrotechnics were a hit with the kids.Unfortunately
we didn't get a picture of Caleb's entire
package of sparklers in one hand. Think of it
as a small shooting star! It was a hit with everyone!

The kids had a blast. We got eaten alive.
All in all it was fun

Tongues and Trees

2007-07-07T21:32:00.000-05:00

Tara's tongue

Kaden's tongue

Tate's tongue
Kaden and our neighbor Tara.
He's not her boyfriend, she says,
He's just her friend that's a boy!

Fourth of July

2007-07-07T21:21:00.000-05:00

Sharing a slip and slide, popsicles,
pool, and fireworks with neighbors
turns out to be a blast.

Tate didn't get to stay up for fireworks, but he made
good use of the time he got to play.

Chase

2007-06-26T10:41:00.000-05:00

Our pretty kitty needs a new home. Do you want or know of anyone who wants a pretty 2 year old kitty? He's neutered, his front paws are declawed, and he's great with kids. My boys lay all over him and pull hair and he just purrs. I'll let you have his stuff as well. We have a litter box, huge box of food, extra kitty litter, and a very expensive water purifying bowl. We love him dearly but with the addition of Tate we just don't have the time to devote to a cat. I feel like he's not getting the love that he should so it's time for him to find a new home. Please help!

Obsessions

2007-06-19T18:49:00.001-05:00

OK so now what I was going to blog about. The series finally of Gilmore Girls. I don't know how many of you know but I'm a huge fan of the show. I was totally shocked to find out that it's over...finished...fanito. I guess somewhere in my mind I felt like I was part of the little town of stars hollow. Or at least wanted to be. I get so wrapped up in certain things that when they end they just throw me back into reality and I have a hard time adjusting. Gilmore girls was like my perfect life. They were crazy, yet independent. They were so much fun you just wanted to be part of it. And I'm upset that it's over but even more so the way it ended. It's like the writers were told end it this season you have one show left. They just tied up all the loose ends no matter how oddly they had to. I felt let down for sure. Such a sucky ending to a great thing.

Anyway there's a little bit about my obsessions! The things you never knew!

Wandering mind

2007-06-19T18:39:00.000-05:00

So I've been sitting here in the time that it's taken for my post screen to come up and my mind has been running through a bunch of different thoughts. So I thought I'd let everyone in on how my mind works.

Blog site is slow...I'll check netflix...I can't I'm waiting for the screen to come up...how mad am I that Gilmore girls is over...I should check that out when I'm done blogging...I hate the way it ended...some one wrote on my mouse pad...bet it was Kaden...like he wrote on my walls...he's getting good at his b's though...This mouse pad is old Caleb had it in college...What a crappy pen...usually pharmacy pens are good...oh my screen is up!

All within about 15 seconds! Sometimes I make myself laugh when I see what I've been thinking about.

The essence of cool

2007-06-12T21:53:00.000-05:00

This one is a bit old, but It's too cute. My two big boys before the horse races.

April 2007

Memorial Day 2007

2007-06-12T21:39:00.000-05:00

The annual Camping trip. Tate's first ever! He did really well for six months old. Kaden did great this year. He thought he was as old as his cousins though, and we had a hard time keeping him in sight. His cousins are 10 and 11. They were all over the place.

This picture of Kaden and Chyler cost us $2. They know we'll pay for good pictures! And I think this is one of the only pictures of me that I have. Me and my beautiful baby Tate. Seeing as I'm always behind the camera. Forget Kaden getting in the picture with us. I can't afford to pay him for all of them! He hates his picture taken. I'm not sure why, but it's like pulling teeth.

I'm still here!

2007-06-04T20:32:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a while since I've posted but I've been so busy! My personal life gets put on the back burner while kids are screaming and a house needs to be cleaned...food cooked...and on and on. I have pictures of my two beautiful boys...still on my camera. One of these days I will have time to actually get them off and do something with them. Tate is now six months and the dr says we can expect him to be walking by eight months. I'm not sure I'm ready for a walking eight month old! Kaden starts school in August. Well pre-school, but it's enough to freak me out. My wonderful loving husband can't make up his mind what he wants to do about our house. Sell...remodle..stay...buy an RV. Yeah don't ask me. That was his topic for discussion over dinner tonight. Like I could live in an RV with the kids I have. All in all I'm ok. I'm just a little scatter brained about stuff. I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something, which I'm sure I am. Everyone is alive and well fed. Anything beyond that is questionable, but I do my best. And now I have to go it's bed time for Kaden.

Dizzy

2007-04-26T14:00:00.000-05:00

I've been spinning around in circles and now that I've stopped I feel dizzy. It feels like I've always had something to look forward to in life and now it's stopped. I'm just living. It's a new one for me. We've been trying to sell our house and it doesn't want to sell for some reason. So I'm forced to stop looking forward to a new house or anything and just place myself here for a while. I'm not sure how to do that even. My kids are here and we're done, so no more pregnancies or anything to look forward to. I'm just here living and I feel like I should still be going. When I look back though I liked things better then. So all the things I thought I wanted (I.E. furniture, cars, houses, jobs) I really didn't' want because I was happy before I had them. I don't know if it even makes since or not. I look around my full house of just stuff and miss the times that we had when we didn't have a couch and there was nothing on the walls. It felt real. My focus has been on the securing of "stuff" lately so much that I seem to have forgotten the happiness part. I think what has really made me rethink things is that my son has no idea how lucky he is to live where he does and have the things that he does. The fact that there are people in this world who don't even have anything to eat completely eludes him. I try to explain that fact to him when he's crying because his breakfast bar and juice is a few minutes later than his liking. Or when he rips a toy away from his brother just so it doesn't get slobbered on and then throws it in his closet along with all the others that he never plays with. When he's bored he doesn't know what to do. I try to tell him there are kids in this world who would love to have just one toy to play with and he has a whole closet full and doesn't even care. I try to tell him he's lucky because mommy can stay home with him when other mommy's can't. It's like he gets it for a second and then wants to know if he can get a new car when we go to Wal-mart the next time. I would love to be able to take him somewhere and show him how lucky he is. I just don't know of any place to do that around here. And I'm terrified to take him somewhere that is truly in need.
Perhaps if I had seen how my discontentment would affect my children I would have done an overhaul on my life before I had them. It's a continual thing to have to take a step back and look at your life and see what you're focus is on.

Portraits for 2007

2007-04-10T12:23:00.000-05:00

Tate at 4 months
Kaden at 3 years

not time to write but here's some photos!

2007-03-03T14:08:00.000-06:00

The good big brother!
Kaden passed out sleeping like this after a full day at the park. Not sure why he has a glove on his face but it made a funny picture.
Tater on his Three month birthday. Happy birthday kido!

Baby Hoyle!

2007-01-25T14:43:00.000-06:00

Congratulations to Chris and Catherine on baby Ethan David Hoyle! 5lbs 11oz 17 inches everyone is good and healthy even though he made his apperance a few weeks early. I'm so excited to meet baby Ethan. Tate and Kaden are very excited too!

Cat's shower!!

2007-01-10T12:04:00.000-06:00

Catherine made out like a bandit on Sunday! There was wraping paper everywhere and one very confused mother to be about a lot of the gifts! The fun of having a baby! You learn so much!

We can't wait to welcome Baby H to the world. Tate is especially excited!

Naptime today 1/10/07

2007-01-10T11:55:00.000-06:00

He'll be 7 weeks on Friday!

pictures @ 2 weeks

2007-01-10T11:45:00.000-06:00

Welcome New Baby Tate!

2006-12-08T15:55:00.000-06:00

Ok! Kaden is at his grandparents and Tater is fast asleep finally! Thank God for infant swings! As many of you know Tater joined our family the day after Thanksgiving. Rather fast I might add. I started having contractions around 3:00 am on the 24th. They were nothing serious and I wasn't even sure they were real. At about 4:00 pm they got around 7 minutes apart and we headed to the hospital. By the time we got there they were less than 3 minutes apart. I was at the hospital less than half an hour before baby Tate made his appearance. Might I add there was no time for an eppidural either! I'm kind of glad though. Seeing as this is the last one I plan on having it was nice to say that I've done it both ways. I highly recomend the epidural though!
At two weeks now he is thriving. He's gained almost two pounds since his birth and has been fairly quiet. As quiet as babies are. No signs of colic as of yet, we're still praying about that! Other than his little tummy aches right after his feedings he seems to be pretty happy.
Big brother is tickled to death to have him out of mommy's belly so he can love on him and play with him. He gives him hugs about every five minutes.

No change

2006-11-22T11:43:00.000-06:00

Well no change as of this week. No induction scheduled for this week either. I did however have a lovely argument with the Dr of the week. I could be having a baby Monday if I so choose to, but the argument turned into more about a dislike for the Dr than for the actual induction. So even though I ended up getting my way,I guess we'll wait it out again and see how this week goes. I feel a little bad about the way I acted with the Dr but you just don't tell a woman who is 39 weeks pregnant that they seem grouchy! Obviously she has never been pregnant and from her comment you can tell that she is new to the practice as well. However you can always justify your own actions so, I wish there was some way to speak to this Dr now and apologize for my comments and my rudeness. I don't expect however to get anything of the same from her. For after consulting a more established Dr she came back to me and basically changed her mind without an apology for her comments on how they do things around there. So needless to say I will not be seeing her again no matter how much longer I'm pregnant.

Still waiting

2006-11-21T14:04:00.000-06:00

Ok so the 19th has now come and gone, as has the past week in which the Dr from my last appointment told me to get plenty of rest because I would be in active labor very soon! I was dilated to 3.5 and 80% effaced then and having contractions irregularly. The contractions have stopped now along with any other signs that labor is just around the corner. I go back in tomorrow for my last visit, be it because I go into labor on my own or we schedule an induction before the week is over. Either way I will not be pregnant for much longer! Hooray! At this point I welcome the idea of sleepless nights due to a baby rather than back pain and/or contractions.

The beginning is here

2006-11-09T12:29:00.000-06:00

On Wednesday's appointment there was a dilation of 2.5. The dr's guess for the new due date is sometime around the 19th. Not that his guess means a whole lot. Caleb leaves tomorrow morning for deer camp... A little scary I know. He's caught a lot of flack from it but I'm ok with him going. We have a calling schedule worked out and I have a ride if needed. The Dr didn't seem worried about him going so it's all good. Of course there's still that extreme hope that it'll all start tonight and he won't be able to leave me here alone! I'm sure I'll survive though. I have a lot of activities planned to break up the days while he's away. It's not like he's going for a long time. He'll be back Monday night!

Moving fun!

2006-11-03T10:20:00.000-06:00

Congrats to my brother in law and his family. They've just put a contract on a two year old three bedroom home! They've been looking for a place for a couple of years now and have finally found one that everyone approves of. I'm super stoked for them! and a little bit jealous. I know it has been sucky to live in the rent houses that they have been but so nice for them to be able to just up and move when they find something they like. Unlike other people who have to worry about what they are going to do if their house doesn't sell. I guess for the next go around they'll be in the same boat! They get to move in the beginning of December, just in time for Christmas decorating! So exciting! They can finally get all the things they've wanted. Like a pet and a trampoline! They're daughter is so excited about a trampoline. They will have a nice huge yard for either or both. I'm very proud of them for holding out so long and getting something this nice. It's easy to want out of your situation so bad that you'll take whatever comes your way but they've been patient and I think it's really paid off.

The countdown

2006-10-22T17:51:00.000-05:00

Five weeks and Three days... My official count down to the due date. I'm not planning on it being that long. I'm hoping for an early arrival. I have no evidence to make me believe that it will be early, just the hope of having a baby free belly by Thanksgiving dinner! My weekly appointments start this Wednesday, and for those of you who have had kids you know that means the day is getting very close. I know deer camp is big on Caleb's mind right now, but he seems to be less interested this year than years past. So perhaps it is an unconscious anticipation that there will be something preventing him from going this year. I'd like to think that nothing would prevent that and that if need be I could handle whatever came my way on my own. Which in all reality if I absolutely had to I'm sure I could. I know that he would never put me in that situation though. It would be nice to offer that situation to him; but I'm sure that as prepared for this one as I am, the first few weeks of having a new baby in the house never goes as planned.
Well I guess I have nothing more to offer as of yet. I will keep posted on any occurrences with the baby.

How Brave

2006-09-28T09:39:00.000-05:00

To my friend Virginia and her husband Andrew. How brave the two of you are! To up and move to another state so different than the one you are use to. For no other reason than the feeling that God was pointing to a certain college. New jobs and friends and church... I can't imagine. Congrats to you both. I've been keeping up with your blog as much as I can and wow! You two have done so well, If I can offer no other consolation for your homesickness...I am so proud of the two of you!

Later that weekend

2006-09-22T16:13:00.000-05:00

And more

2006-09-22T16:09:00.000-05:00

After our trip with Kaden we had some friends join us for a night. Pretty much all we did was eat. We did find time to feed the fish and go for a short walk though

One last camping trip!

2006-09-22T15:39:00.000-05:00

Our last camping trip with Kaden before baby Tate gets here was great! Kaden had a blast! He got to feed the fish and help cook. He rode his bike all over the place! He even caught his first fish! He was slightly less excited than his dad though.

He was quite well know around the camp grounds. Everyone looked out for the little speed demon on the bike!

And for some reason everyone was astonished that I would go camping in my seventh month. Seemed like a good time to go to me! I'm glad we did it because it's all Kaden has talked about for a week since we've been back.

Happy birthday!

2006-09-09T20:46:00.000-05:00

Today we welcomed a new member to the family! Our niece,baby Abery Keaton (pics to come soon) joined us a little after 6pm today. She was a wopping 6lbs. 10oz.! 4ounces larger than her big sister was when she was born. Everyone is in good health and enjoying there night at St. Mary's.